Understood

Ep.13 | when to shut up, healthy monogamy?, personality "parts", gift vs. curse, never ending therapy, and more...

December 07, 2020 Mitch Wallis
Understood
Ep.13 | when to shut up, healthy monogamy?, personality "parts", gift vs. curse, never ending therapy, and more...
Chapters
Understood
Ep.13 | when to shut up, healthy monogamy?, personality "parts", gift vs. curse, never ending therapy, and more...
Dec 07, 2020
Mitch Wallis

In this episode of Understood with Mitch Wallis we cover:

  • A common communication trait that turns people away and how to stop it
  • A helpful reframe to shift out of feeling unnecessarily guilty
  • 3 steps to finding your purpose in life
  • The exhaustion of uncovering more and more layers in therapy, is there an end?
  • Tips to starting a charity
  • What is "beyond reasonable hours" in the workplace
  • Why is 97% of the animal kingdom not monogamous, and is it healthy for our brain
  • Suicide stats during COVID - helpful or unhelpful?
  • Much much more...


- SHOW NOTES -

  • Monogamy study: Kit Opie
  • Also sorry for burping


- SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW THE SHOW  -

- Hotline phone number is -

  • +61419689311


- Website -

  • www.mitchwallis.com


- Find me on social media -


- INTRO SONG CREDITS - 

  • Dissecting the Bird - John Craigie
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode of Understood with Mitch Wallis we cover:

  • A common communication trait that turns people away and how to stop it
  • A helpful reframe to shift out of feeling unnecessarily guilty
  • 3 steps to finding your purpose in life
  • The exhaustion of uncovering more and more layers in therapy, is there an end?
  • Tips to starting a charity
  • What is "beyond reasonable hours" in the workplace
  • Why is 97% of the animal kingdom not monogamous, and is it healthy for our brain
  • Suicide stats during COVID - helpful or unhelpful?
  • Much much more...


- SHOW NOTES -

  • Monogamy study: Kit Opie
  • Also sorry for burping


- SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW THE SHOW  -

- Hotline phone number is -

  • +61419689311


- Website -

  • www.mitchwallis.com


- Find me on social media -


- INTRO SONG CREDITS - 

  • Dissecting the Bird - John Craigie

Welcome back you beautiful animals to another episode of understood the psychology podcast helping you make sense of your mind so that you can learn to love yourself and others. I'm your host, Mitch Wallis, and I'm excited to be back here with y'all. Let's get into it. All right, as you can say, it was a couple of weeks again, between episodes, I've been slammed, things are going well, just super busy trying to round out the end of the year. I hope you've all been doing okay. And that you're looking forward to Christmas and New Year's and hopefully having a break. I know, fuck, it is very needed for me. And I'm sure it is for you as well. Things are, things are good. I mean, just trying to work out what 20 and 21 looks like for me, I've been doing a lot of introspection recently. I mean, I do a lot of introspection, usually. But even more so at the moment. Just thinking about what it is that I really want for my life in the next 12 months. A lot of this year was around creating structure and stability and tools and processes and getting the right people around me. And I'm starting to feel like that's happening now. Since I made the transition into this space three and a bit years ago, I've been kind of lusting for a solid, solid ground to stand on. I'm someone who defaults, way more to rigidity than chaos, like some people's lives left unchecked, particularly when they're doing well. We'll move toward a chaotic state where everything becomes a mess and kind of flying by the seat of your pants and become somewhat self destructive, etc. when things aren't going well. For me, I'm moving to like hyper rigidity, and obsessing over control. And I also used to have disorganised attachment. And so I find that whenever I get really stressed, my attachment and my ability to self regulate, starts to become quite warped. And yeah, in some ways, I'm really proudest psychologists session this week. And shit if you think I have my shit together, which for the most part I do nowadays, but when I'm whenever I'm with my psychologist, I always think to myself, dude, you are a mess. And so even just just remember that psychologists have psychologists too. And the people who are supposed to have it all together and know what's best, need help just as much as the everyday person, we're all just trying to figure it out. And ourselves. And one of the insights from therapy this week was fucked as a lot of layers, this just permanently ripping off layer on layer on layer. And I do think that once you get a certain amount of layers off, you hit a new core that can never be taken away from you. And that, to me is like the coping core. You know, I think a lot of people avoid therapy for a long time. And then you finally get into it. And you strip away like really added toxic elements. And you hit a threshold where you're like, I have a good understanding of who I am. What causes me to stress narratives of the past stories that I've told myself for a long time that aren't helping me. And that's like the critical point. I think then, beyond that, you're refining and chiselling away as opposed to like ripping and tearing the layers. It still is hard. And I wish it was just once you get to a certain level of therapy, or insight or clarity, or regulation or whatever that is that it's just nothing else required. But it's just not the case. So it's a permanent evolution process. My therapist is amazing at challenging me and getting me to reflect and yeah, just on some old things that still aren't serving me particularly around reactivity, and around intensity. I've noticed as well a lot of the things well I would say 100% of the things that I'm working on in therapy that is a things that I want to get better at that hurt me you All heard others or whatever else 100% of the time, also my greatest assets and my greatest gift. And that's why I talk a lot about mental ill health just being the excess occurrence of naturally occurring emotions also said, medicine, and superpowers that turn into poisons or curses. And so it's not about removing these things or getting stuck in shame layers as to like, why am I like this? Why is this happening to me? Why do people treat me like this, etc. and way more about how do I maximise this part of myself and its potential and make peace with the fact that that's who I am. And it's, it's served me really well. But right now, or for however long, it's now becoming detrimental. And I need to nip off that those outer edges that are decaying, and starting to affect the entire flower. Now, you know, these petals that are falling off and becoming rotten, eating away at the integrity of the entire stem of the plant. So don't let the petals make it feel like it's your whole structure. It's just, there's a lot of good stuff that comes from even the worst parts of us. It's not about becoming a new person or chopping that off completely. It's about pruning back so that we get the benefits of those things without necessarily getting the downsides are the disadvantages. So lots of work. But also a lot of good times. I've got my team I had, I saw my team that the guys that I've now employed to run heart on my sleeve, we have a new full time General Manager, that's been a godsend for me. We have amazing facilitators and spending face to face time with them for the first time since COVID. happened, really reinvigorated me and got me committed to the mission of what I'm trying to do here and mental health. I've been working with a consultancy firm, who they're called the difference incubator, they're amazing. They're Australian based, they help for purpose, companies, very often not for profits, and founders that are trying to drive a cause forward. They help you redefine your business model and optimise so that you can have most impact. And I've been working with them for a couple months now we're coming toward the end of this project. And I was I've been kind of wading through this ambiguity over the last couple years is like, what is my mission? What are the organisations that I have already? What do I want to start? What do I want them to do? We're facing this big decision around splitting two out that currently sit under one banner. And I'm going to talk in one of the segments today around like, how to start how to have impact through an organisation because lots of people ask me, How do I start a charity. And so I'll I'll cover some of that today. But the the charity landscape is changing. And it's you don't even necessarily need to be a charity in order to serve at scale. But we made a really, really huge landmark decision this week, around not splitting into two that had been on the books for a long time. And I was just so desperate in wanting clarity. I was like far out I can only wade through this ambiguity for so long. But they have been amazing coaches at saying I know you want an answer, I know you want to rush out of this, I know you want to eject to your head and just try and problem solve your way up. But they're like, I really just need you to sit in the discomfort of not knowing and let what's supposed to emerge emerge. And as consultants, that's a very unique approach. But, and this kind of goes back to how I started the episode. Although I still have a lot of way to go to be to where I want to be as a person. And in my mental health and all that stuff. I am so proud of how far I've come particularly as it relates to operating from my heart, not just my head, and ironically is the heart on my sleeve guy. I can forego that that space in myself that trust that belief that it might not make sense in their head yet but I just can feel that it's the right thing. All that stuff than non non cognitive things that we're just not used to as a Western society. Having the right mentors around me to guide me has been key. And sitting in ambiguity is something that I'm not only dislike I have a disease in like OCD is the inability to tolerate ambiguity so my ability to sit in it this this year in particular not have the answers, but just being committed to showing up every single day to the process, not rushing ahead and making a decision because I want to get out of the ambiguity. So I'm like, I don't care if it's right or wrong, I just want certainty. So we're just going to go this way. I was like, No, I'm prepared to take the punches of, of not having certainty not having clarity. And it's my job to be able to learn how to hold that. And we didn't rush and I'm proud of the outcome of where we've got to get hurt. It was painful, but I have grown so much, I've become a lot stronger. And yeah, so there's a lot to be said for ambiguity, tolerance, and sitting in uncertainty and the superpower that that is, alright, let's get into the episode. I'm just having some ASMR having some of my SodaStream sorry for drinking and you. Some people are into it, I'm sure. All right. So as always, the usual segments complain, curious and cool all around the aspect of psychology. First complaint segment is called sentence snapping. So sentence snapping is one of the most fundamental aspects of being a good communicator. But I don't think a lot of us are aware that we don't sentence snap. Oh, my God, I just burped, I'll probably edit that out. Sorry, what sentence snapping is, is finishing what you're saying, without kind of blabbering on and on and on for the sake of hearing your own voice. We all do it. It's completely normal. But it actually is quite harmful to connection, because people will avoid speaking to you or asking you things. And you'll lose momentum in a conversation and lose intimacy in a relationship if you don't finish your sentences. So one of the most basic examples is if you said also, like, what do you do on the weekend? That's a question with as much information as you possibly need to answer that. But if you say, so what do you do on the weekends? Like on a Saturday morning, if you were to wake up? Like, what would be the things that you do? Like, do you go to the beach? Or do you go hiking and like, what's Saturday night like for you? And like, is Sunday, your chill day? And what happens if it's raining on a Sunday? Like, tell me about that? So everything that followed the words, what did you do on the weekend? Or what do you do have a weekend is redundant? Because we we got it from that moment. And I and so many of us aren't aware of when we ask a question or say us or give an answer. I do this as well, by the way, I am the king at answering and giving way more information that people you need. And now I'm very, very aware of it. But in order to buy myself the ability to waffle, I always answer the question straightaway. And then I'll waffle. However, not the point of what we're saying that's kind of the next level. But what I'm saying is, is that sentence snapping, if you if you're not finishing what you are saying either in response to a question or asking a question, if we don't put a full stop on that and just continue to colour something in that doesn't need any more colouring, people start to tune out. And they start to disengage. And in little moments in a conversation that can accrue to a relationship of drifting, or avoidance or whatever. So technically speaking, everything I've said now is not sentence nothing, I'm pretty sure you would have understood it in the first 30 seconds of me explaining it. But I'm continuing to belabour the point. And part of this is is that we want people so badly to understand us, or understand our intent. And what I what I was challenged on that really helped me was asking myself, why don't I trust that they will ask a clarifying question, or ask for more of a response if they need it. You know, I think a lot of the time the reason that we don't just finish what we're saying and we continue to say unnecessary things to help explain something or whatever else afterwards, is because we're almost over involved. We're over accommodating to someone else's needs. In some ways. It's a boundaries breach. Instead of just saying if they need more information or need more clarity around this question, I'm going to trust that they'll ask and there is there is this almost relief. There's almost This exhale, feeling that happens when you have someone who gives you the right amount of information in a conversational exchange. Obviously, we don't want to be mutes, I think it's on the other side of the coin. If we're never contributing enough, when someone's obviously trying to engage with us, that could be just as prohibitive to connection. But we don't want to be on the side of over explaining ourselves and not giving conversation space and room for questions and inquiry. And we also don't want to be just drip feeding someone. I think it's just being aware of if we feel like our point is landed, or our question is somewhat comprehendible. In and of itself, we just leave it there. And we allow space for people to explore navigate and traverse that landscape as they need be. So in a conversation that you have this week, my challenge to you would be when you feel the need to continue explaining a question after you've asked it, or the the need to continuously double click on a statement, after you've said it. Just pause and see what happens. Just stop. And if they don't get it, they'll ask for more. But I, I'm 95% sure that they will get it and you'll be surprised at how much room that creates for other things to emerge. And for other people to feel like the conversation can flow in a really cohesive manner. So that sentence snapping. That was part of my complaint segment, by the way, we're going complaint first. Another thing I wanted to complain about was that I don't think companies I don't think I don't think workplaces a strict or conscious enough or aware enough of the definition of what fair and reasonable hours are. Now obviously, I think a lot of people can attest to the fact that their workplace probably goes well over the contracted hours that they've signed on to. And that's just the way that things are. But I think there needs to be more emphasis on what going above and beyond looks like in terms of what's fair and reasonable to what someone has signed up for. So for example, you know, I think it's important that contracts have, you'll be required to work, whatever it is 35 4050 hours a week. And there may be plus or minus 20% of those hours, that you will be required to work. To me, that's the definition of fair and reasonable. It 20% doesn't necessarily need to be the fair and reasonable part, but having expectations that you come in and out of a margin of what you're paid for. I think even on a full time contract, if someone is well and truly extending above what they're employed to do, beyond for instance, this 20% threshold, it shouldn't just be acceptable. They should be compensated for that by law, not just because you have one good leader that believes in it, but through days off through extra pay, whatever that is, but on a full time contract, if we're not casual, or if we're not getting paid by the hour, then a lot of time overtime isn't compensated. And that brings about mental health effects down down the track. I think we need to get better on full time contracts, even part time contracts where you're not paid by the hour, you're paid on a salary basis of x percentage per annum, that there's a clause in there that says here's what's reasonable in terms of additional hours, it's literally a percentage stress threshold and I'm compensated on that with time or money, not just assume that that's part of my puranam salary, then it's a dental mandate. And you have costs for standing on, you have legs to stand on when you were to maybe address that with your management team and someone not say oh, that's just what we do around here. It's like, well, maybe. But is that fair? And the contract I signed said that that has a limit to which it's appropriate or acceptable. So I wonder what it would take for us to get into a contractual arrangement where we say here's what's fair and reasonable, even on a per annum salary. Another thing I wanted to complain about was people who don't think that my suffering has been real. What I mean by that is that I think some people assume because I'm happy on occasion, whether it be through my Instagram or whatever else Or that I look a certain way that I haven't actually experienced what other people would deem incredible hardship. And this came up the other day in a conversation with my friend and I heard through the grapevine that someone says on which doesn't really get either, you know, he's never lost someone close to him or he's never had no money or whatever, he just has first world problems, and he claimed to be this big mental health thing. And to that, I would say Peace be with you. Because the more and more we get into this war around who's felt worse, the more invalidated we make people feel my pain might be different to your pain with regard to the situation that has caused it, which might be deemed as worse or, or easier. But I think that I'm what I do is I meet you on a level, which is, I know what it's like to hurt, our two pains don't necessarily need one doesn't need to win and the other lose. We don't even need to say that they're comparable, we can just meet each other on the aspect of we obviously, both have been through hard stuff in our life. And I know what it's like to be human alongside you. So I just want to remind others that we don't need to get into this aspect of like, one person hurts and the other doesn't, or it's not as valid, it's all valid. And I can assure you that if at any point you doubt, by my outside image that I understand what it's like to hurt a lot. I would say, in my world, without knowing you. I have been to the depths the absolute depths of hell. So even though we don't need to compare, just know that you're not alone. And I'll leave it at that. All right, so for our curious segment, I got very curious, recently, around the concept of monogamy, because it creates a lot of tension in our society, as evidenced by the 50% divorce rate, how many pop culture songs are about people cheating or getting heartbroken. And so I wanted to see the signs of monogamy and whether it was a environmental or genetic thing. Now, it turns out that according to a bunch of studies on the independent UK publication, that 3% of the world's species are monogamous. That's incredibly low. What was interesting to me is that monogamy evolved in primates for one main reason, which is infanticide, which is children or young, dying too early. And that happened because there were effectively let's say, our closest primates, chimpanzees, they would the mother would have children and the father was non monogamous. So he would go off competitor, males would come in to that to the area and would try and mate with the females. And that obviously caused issues around protection, and a lot of the children were dying. Now, the main reason that children were dying is that in mammals, mammals can't articulate I reproduce while they're lactating I breastfeeding So scientists have shown and the scientist itself is Co Op and anthropologist at the University College of London. And the lead author of the study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences came up and said that we have found that monogamy came after infanticide which is which means that it was a result of an environmental need. It wasn't a biological or genetic instinct. I think that it may now be somewhat baked in to particularly humans instinct. But it wasn't the first thing that happened and in fact, it's very rare in a lot of other animal species 97% of them. So the reason we became monogamous is to protect the species of our young particularly as we are the large brain primary of the mammal ecosystem. And why large brain primates need monogamy or protection, particularly children more than most is because we require outer womb gestation, which means our brain is so big that it wouldn't come out of the female body unless it was birthed before it was fully developed. And that's what happens with us, we get born nine months, 10 months, whatever it is, depending on who you talk to. And the way our brain develops a lot in the following two years after that, and we're completely dependent, completely fragile, and we rely on our parents. Now, if you think about another species, like a giraffe, they come out of the womb, and they're already walking and like feeding themselves and everything else. So we require a lot of time to finish baking and growing our brains, outside of the fertilisation and in stomach process. What that means is that, yes, children death rates are higher, just having when, when the mothers needed to be reproduced with and therefore males come in and make that process happen and children die quicker. But it's even more important that the mother can protect her young, whilst the young, the most vulnerable, as the case in humans, because we require so long to develop, that's even a longer time that she needs or the family needs to, to raise that young until they become self reliance. So that's why humans have had an instinctual bias toward monogamy, because it's based out of protection, of needing to defend the female and the children so that the children could develop, because they're very underdeveloped at birth, and that there would be no male competition trying to reproduce with the female. The so chimps aren't monogamous, our closest living animal, ancestor or relative, and not monogamous, the only primate that is of a Gibbons. They are closest living animal relative that practices single partner relationships. There are a few others, of course, like swans, for example. But most of the animal kingdom have multiple sexual partners, both from both on the male and female side. So I think we're caught in an evolutionary paradox, because adultery rates are very high polygamy or multi partner relationships are still permitted in several cultures around the world. A lot of people, not everyone, but cheating is higher than probably what people would like it to be. divorce rates are high. So I think we do genuinely have an instinctual need to be monogamous, particularly in the early stages of a child's reproduction and given birth. But I'm not sure we have a genetic disposition to be monogamous for life. I think that that's a conditioning element that humans have created in society to say that that's right. Now, I'm not I'm not expressing any views personally, on what I believe in terms of whether one whether we can be with one person forever, I would like to believe that we can, I don't know if I can, I haven't done that yet. I hope that there is someone out there for me that I can spend good amounts of time with perhaps the rest of my life. But I do think that occasionally, we're not setting ourselves up for success by just thinking that it's natural for us to be with one person that they will grow at the same rate as us for forever that our biology will tell us just to be with this person for forever. We are battling animal desires and genetics and and hardwiring that tells us that we're not always supposed to be with just one person. So can one person monogamous relationships work? Absolutely. And it's been proven on countless occasions in humanity. And I would say it's probably more than norm than not. But does that come with challenges? Yes, at a very deep chemical level. So that's why conscious communication in relationships is so important. Because we we forget that we are animals and that a lot of the behavioural outcomes that happen I, the actual incidents of cheating could be avoided through conversation, or at very least, a lot of people feel shame for being attracted to other people or that our partners talk to other people, whatever else. But I don't think that's the core issue. The core issue is trust. The core issue is you told me something, and you haven't followed through on that. It's not necessarily the desire or the action, it's that one expectation was set one way and then that was breached. And I think that that's a completely avoidable and be completely valid if someone is, is hurt by that. So to me, it's less of a discussion of the mental health impacts of infidelity on non monogamy. It's more the implications of not being trustworthy. And trust is something that as a human species we absolutely can achieve continuously. And we can get way better at the way we communicate, so as to build and foster trust in relationships. So that's my little blurb on the curiosity of monogamy. purpose to finding purpose in life, I had a bit of a reflection on what how does someone get to purpose. And for me, there's kind of three stages that people go through in life. And it's kind of like Maslow's hierarchy of needs before a career. And this is just something that I spit balled thinking to myself about. So we start at what do I need to do for a sense of safety? So how do I earn enough money to get food, pay the bills, etc, etc. And I think that drives a lot of our decisions, particularly in the early stages of our career. And through the education system, we're thinking, what do I need to do to survive to earn a living to provide for myself and my family? Once we get to that point. And I can relate to this at Microsoft, once I got to the point of my corporate career, a deeper each starts to emerge. And I think that it's around your mid 20s. That you start to think, what do I love? What brings me joy? And you start to once you've met your set core safety needs of what can I do? Or what what do I do? We then start to look at what do I love? And what brings me joy? And I would say you're incredibly lucky if you get to that second pillar, because I think a lot of people end up in Korea survival mode most of their life, which stops at what do I do? What can I do to stay safe and survive? Because I think I've I've spoken about this previously on the podcast, the brain is hardwired for safety over happiness well, above everything. And it will take you will always try and hedge risks, it will it will try and avoid risk and negativity weigh more than it will go toward getting the positive. So we avoid pain more than we try and find happiness. So for a lot of people, once that safety is achieved, it's like, well, I've already mitigated the risk that I've needed to do. And I've been striving to do most of my life, levelling up and finding something that I love, that's a nice to have, but the risk of potentially losing this safety here isn't worth it. So I'm just going to stay comfortable for my life. And that makes sense. But I think what we need to do is in order to find purpose, which is I think, level three, but at very least how we can find something that we love, is to trust in our ability to cope, be aware of our hardwiring, telling us that we would prefer safety over opportunity, and that we actually need to go beyond our conditioning. And in order to find joy in our day to day lives in our work, it might be uncomfortable to stretch beyond that. And part of that might involve some risk. But the risk is worth doing what you love. And you can mitigate or reduce the risk by doing it slowly. By taking little steps by asking a lot of people who have done what you've done before you and then the last part and the hardest part is you just got to do it. I think a lot of people get trapped out. I'm safe. I'm surviving. I'm not doing what I love. I kind of know how to get there, but it's just too hard. a month passed by years passed by decades passed by and they go, I never did it. So I think the hardest part or the last part is every day actioning How can I get a little bit closer to doing what I love and it doesn't mean quitting your job and starting a refuge in the Bahamas. Not that the bar is made to refuse that was a really bad analogy, let's say a poor part of a third world nation, it would be well, how do I stop volunteer writing articles for a third world homelessness publication that I like, once a month? That's a great place to start. You get a little bit of what you love. You're not paid for it yet, but at least you get to flex that muscle. Or I want to be a professional racing car driver. Okay, well, are you able to go out onto the track? Once a weekend, and then potentially try and track down some professional racing car drivers, then you can sit in their car and go for some laps? Or can you get a specific gym programme that's designed for someone who's an elite sports car performance athlete, because it's different to the regular training programme? Whatever it is, it's around? How do I take little steps forward every day, even if you don't go from this is my career that I don't love, but it's safe to this is the career that safe and I love in one here, it takes time. And it takes little things every day, where you dabble in what you love, and you love and naturally with enough action, you can a bridge starts to emerge, the forest starts to pot and you could start to see, I might be able to make a living out of this. But all livings start of people doing what they love started with them pursuing it out of pure joy in the first instance, I believe. Now the third pillar that sits on top of all of that is, Who can I serve? And to me that's purpose, purpose exists when you have what do I do that will provide survival and safety? Then? What do I love, which provides joy, and fulfilment? And then it is, Who can I serve, which provides purpose and actually, it's interesting I use the word provides joy and fulfilment in pillar two. Because I actually don't think fulfilment comes until purposes there, which is Who can I serve. And I think this starts to dawn around your 30s, perhaps 40s. But definitely in your 30s. Where you, you know, I met so many people who they're beyond the point of safety and survival, they're doing what they love, but they're still like, something's missing. I don't know what it is, but something's missing. And in almost every case, the thing that's missing is being in service to others. And so, you know, they've, they've made all their money, they've made their money, but also in a way that they love what they do. You know, for instance, they might be really into watches, they become a watchmaker, the watch business is booming. So they got money, and they love what they do, but they still are missing a purpose. And I think that is sold through one simple question, which is, how do I take what I love and that earns me money, and see how it can help other people. Too simple as that purpose of service. 100%. So if you're feeling like that, how can you use what already exists? You know, that watch person could for every 10, watches sold, donate a watch to a child who can't afford to tell the time, for example. So there's lots of different models of how that can be achieved. But I was I would ask yourself, where am I? Have I got my safety needs met? Am I doing what I love? If question two isn't answered, Yes, then what's the path to getting to that level of the pyramid. And that is through daily action and commitment to a passion without necessarily knowing yet how you're gonna make it your career. Then once you've been able to make your career what you love, then you think, how can I be of service? How can I help people with this? Now sometimes what you love is actually of service inherently. And I got lucky because I got a two for one when I moved to mental health. It wasn't just what I love, but it's also he gave me purpose because it was serving others. So sometimes you can hit two and three in one hand, and that is a double whammy, but if you can't, that's okay, too. I would just look at once you're doing what you love, and you're safe. How do you find a ways to give back through that work? The last thing that I wanted to say I'm curious about is the suicide stats during COVID they have risen a scary amount to the point where people would say that we're not in a physical health pandemic, we are in a mental health pandemic, way more with the disease burden numbers. I haven't shared any of the posts on social media that that show just how bad of an issue suicide has been this year. Because it's a double edged sword. I don't want to share stats like that. And then people think that it's a viable option. You know, well, if it seems like that's most people's way of coping, and lots of other people are resorting to that. So it's now more normal or acceptable that I do too. So I haven't spoken a lot about rising suicide numbers, and trying to bring awareness to that during this time, because I think it can sometimes do more harm than good. And it's such a, it's such a fine balance, because if it gets no attention, then we're not bringing awareness to something that really needs it. But if it gets too much, then people are going to get the wrong idea about it being an okay thing to do. So that's why that's made me wonder, Is this really the right thing to be posting about? If you have, I'm sure it's with good intent to raise awareness of it. But just be conscious of how much how we how we view that message. And what audiences we share that too, you know, sharing that to a wide public audience might not be as helpful as sharing it to policymakers or to sharing it to mental health advocates who can go and take that information and do something about it, as opposed to when you tell everyone that it can encourage it. To some extent, I think it's a controversial opinion, and many would disagree with this. But I don't think there's a black and white answer, I think we need to have more of a discussion around how we share statistics on suicide. Another thing I'm curious about is pressing pause on the world. And this is interesting that I've had this reflection that even as a technology guy, I'm a bit of a geek, I, as I said work in the tech industry for ages. I love my tech. But in the same instance technology scares me particularly for its impact on mental health. Like I look at the robotic dog that was created. And I look at robots in general, and artificial intelligence and all that. And it's getting too much. I worry that we're losing the core essence, the spiritual essence of this planet of the beauty of nature and animals and things that are natural. And that worries me what what's that gonna mean in this cold clinical world of hardware that we're heading straight to? There was that documentary on the unabomber? ted kaczynski. And what he did was atrocious like inexcusable. He's manuscripts talked a lot about how the Industrial Revolution and the movement towards technology is taking away from the core essence of humanity. So it was a similar thesis, he just went an extremist view and was completely unforgivably horrific to killing lots of innocent people. But I think a lot of people share the notion of how far away are we getting from real connection to ourselves to the planet to other people? And how is technology playing a part in that? Like, my ideal, I couldn't give up my computer on my phone, which means I also couldn't give up internet. But I reckon I could give up almost everything else, a lot of other things. And even that, like you could say, well, your computer and your phone has heaps of stuff, because inherently they have applications on them, etc, etc. which means people need technology to build those things. And I don't know when I see this when I order Uber Eats and someone comes in their car and drops it off. I'm like god this is so far from hunter gatherer maybe that's a good thing but something about it just doesn't feel wooden like it doesn't feel I don't know. Something I haven't worked out what about the rise of technology is making me feel less spiritual connection to the world and myself and just doesn't something doesn't feel right and I'm, I'm worried about the mental impact it's going to have as we move away from the ground, literally the ground. But and this feeds into my next point around something I've been curious about is how happy seeing commerce or trade makes me It's really weird. Like maybe it was coming back from COVID but walking around the streets of St. Give me whenever I see people exchanging money for goods like, you know, they go to the fruit shop and buy bananas and, and everyone's hustling and bustling, and commerce is trading. I love that feeling. I don't know, maybe it reminds me of this old market that we would have had a few 100 years ago where everyone's got a job and they're doing their job, and they're making money they're providing for your family, you're exchanging goods and services. It's this beautiful frequency of commerce, I love that. Something about it just makes me so happy when I see people transacting and smiling and buying coffees and just living. I think that it's the technology side of even outside of commerce. It's not just the buying of, of technology. I think it's the use of it and the coldness of that that I worry about. But yeah, commerce and trade and seeing people buying and selling even the tiniest of things, just like lunch makes me really happy. And I don't know why. Alright, so now talking about cool stuff. So first thing I think is super cool is the fact that I have friends who care about me, I've been thinking about this a lot, a lot the last few weeks, the importance of relationships I harp on about this so much he on social media, in every keynote talk that I do. Connection is just it's everything. And for me, it truly is my closest relationships just mean the world to me, what I do my purpose and who I love, and who loves me those two things that everything. So what I was especially grateful for is realising that I have at least one friend who just loves me wholeheartedly. And he you know, I have lots of people who love me, and I'm very, very grateful for that. But I think it's, it's not common to have a go to person in your life. And for some people, that's their partner or their spouse, for me, maybe that will also be the case one day, but at the moment, it's a mate of mine, a guy mate, who just has my back 100% there isn't a problem I don't think we couldn't solve together. And I said that to someone the other day, and they're like, Wow, you're so lucky to have that I don't have that person. Even if they had that someone in their partner, they don't have it in a friend. Like who's who's got no other strings attached, no other relationship dynamic, just a friend where you would die for each other. And their, you know, it could be as small as you know, I need to change my diet, can I get your help on what you think I could eat through to I'm having a, you know, an issue with my girlfriend, or, hey, I, I don't, I don't have self worth, like, the whole gamut of it, there's nothing I couldn't bring into our relationship into our friendship and talk through. And that is rare. And um, and the older I get, the more and more I realised that if you have one person like that, man, you are lucky. And hold on to that. Even one who sees you fully who shows up for you unconditionally, and is willing and able to problem solve with you. And just even if it's not solved, just hold that space. And when I think about my close circle, and the people I keep that, that I want to spend most time with, I actually looked at like I wrote them down outside of just my best mate. But the criteria that I was subconsciously using as like, who I would consider close and who I would just consider friendly. Wasn't how they looked. Where they funny, where they lived. It was house, how much do they support me? Could I call them and this was the metric I used on that list. If I was in hospital today from a car accident, who would come that's the metric I look at and I don't care as much about obviously the the fun and the all the other shit that makes your relationship to me are nice to have what is the most important thing is will they support me What if and when I needed it. That's the people I keep closest and I think lots of people do and a lot of people don't. Some people's closest friends are those that are the most can can be the most social with them or share the most interest like we bond over mountain biking and We go out together have a weekend because we live in the same area. And you know, there might quote unquote closest friend, for me that's less as relevant to who would support me and that I value above all else who would be there for me, if I got in a car accident, and I was in hospital, and I needed them there. So I thought that was cool that I have at least one person who I can count on. And I don't take that for granted. Another thing that I'm finding cool at the moment is, is parts work. So parts work is a type of psychological technique that you can do with a therapist, where you actually start to identify different parts of you, that might be acting in different ways. So the most common example of parts work is like the Wounded Child, or the inner child, we have a part of us that still might be the Wounded Child, and then there might be an adult part of us, there might be a teenager part, there might be a wise part. But because I've been working with my therapist for so long, we've been able to segment these characters within me not like multiple personalities, per se, in its most clinical sense, whether where they are like really segmented to the point where you shift character, but we all have different personalities within us that flex very organically throughout the day. And I think getting to know the different parts of ourselves is really important because I was finding that when I was in certain situations, or conflict or whatever else, different parts of me would respond. That wasn't necessarily as healthy as when I was embodying the most adult and the most wise part of myself. And I started to really tap into that even to the point of like, giving it a I gave it an animal figure. Like what what animal would it be, would this part be? Where does that part live? In my body? Do I feel it most in my gut, in my heart, in my head? In my genitals in my limbs? Where Where is that part of me? And I would start like with with my therapist, we will start to hear the story of different parts, like what does that part need? What have they been doing to try and protect me for however long? And is that still helpful, relevant and serving? And is there better ways of them relating to one another? What do each part need to know about the other and who can let go of the reins more and let the other part drive. And I found that my adult self, which for me lives in my heart, and is probably an elephant was not talking enough or respecting enough or hearing enough the story of my Wounded Child which is in my stomach region who I thought was a barking dog and in fact is a roaring lion cub. They weren't talking enough. And the adult from the heart wasn't getting enough of a chance to hear that Wounded Child. And as a result, this almost babysitter, whoever this part is in my head I haven't built enough relationship but this is what would dominate because it then went into overdrive to try and take care of this Wounded Child in the gut this roaring cub I maybe this head parts were fakie I don't know it doesn't feel as wise he seems just kind of bulldozer II and obsessive and dissociative and. and cognitive and seeks certainty and all that stuff. Whereas the heart can handle that ambiguity. It can be peaceful and loving in its ability to bring people in, it's not reactive, it's not insecure. It is calm and coherent and decisive and all that stuff. So I just think it's really cool to do parts work. And it might be worth inquiring with your own psychologist or counsellor, whether they do parts work, or it may be on your own starting to explore through through journaling or meditation start to get to know the different parts of you and inquire into them and ask questions and literally say, what does this part need? When you feel an emotion in your body, go to it in the body and say what do I need or what do you need? Speaking third person to it can sometimes be a really helpful way to unlock that wisdom. So I've been finding that really cool the moment. Another thing I'm finding core is a reframe of guilt to compassion. Someone checked me on this the other day and I said I felt I feel really guilty about this happening at the moment. And they said are you feeling guilty? that you've done something wrong? Wrong, are you feeling compassionate, that they might be hurt, but you haven't necessarily done something wrong? And I was like, Whoa, that's a really big differentiator, and very fucking true. I was actually feeling and should have been feeling compassion, not guilt. You know, I think we innately when we see other people in pain, we innately personalise that and go, Well, that was me. And even if we were directly involved with it through an action, we just see pain and action as causation, not correlation. And say, instead of me feeling responsible for that, can I feel compassion for them that they are heard, but not necessarily needing to own that, or say that I should have done something different? I think this is a big one, when it comes to, you know, relationships, romantic relationships, in particular, where we often take on responsibility for someone else a lot. And even though they might be upset, doesn't necessarily mean that we've done something wrong or that we've caused it, we might have set expectations well, and that's just the outcome of the sum of what happened. But being clear on the difference between guilt and compassion is key, because we might be holding on to stuff that we don't need to. And just, by the way, I think that cold, Colin, being clear on when you do need to feel guilty is still important when you're when your behaviour is a direct outcome of someone else's poor feelings. And that, that that was unnecessary, and was inappropriately managed, and was the result of bad boundaries and all that stuff, then I think guilt serves a purpose. And it helps us learn and not do something the same way again, to guilt still important, it's just when the guilt isn't necessary and actually reframing and challenging. Am I in the wrong here? Do I need to learn something? Or is this just a byproduct of a course of actions that I actually wouldn't change and don't need to take responsibility for? The difference between guilt and shame? Which Rene brown talks about a lot is guilt is I've done something wrong, shame is I am wrong. guilty, there is an action that's happened that, you know, probably isn't helpful. I need to change that behaviour. Shame is just as a human being, I'm a piece of shit. I don't have self self worth. So I think it's interesting as well reflecting on Am I feeling shameful? Or am I feeling guilty and either them true or helpful. Because neither of them in the long term, serve anyone they're good for tweaking and keeping us in line with our with the pack, and being ethical and not moving outside of, but for the most part, extend shame is very rarely useful. So that's my thing on guilt, compassionate chain. There's a bunch more to cover. But I'm going to keep this one a bit shorter. Just because I have to go out this afternoon. A couple of questions came through. Oh, yeah. One question I wanted to answer today was how to start a charity or what is a charity. So it's important to know that a charity is just a business like anything else. So if you wanted to start a charity, the first thing you would do is you would go and register a business entity, something needs to exist a shell has to exist, right? So in Australia, the most two common forms of business types that one would start a charity would be a company limited by guarantee or unincorporated Association. They're just companies. Then on top of that, what you do in those companies is you set a structure or a charter around how you want to do business, what does it do for products you have Baba, and then in that decision, you can decide to not make a profit. Now, a big misconception around not for profits is that no one no one's allowed to earn money in a not for profit, that's just not true. And not for profit company operates the same as a normal company in that you pay wages, you pay expenses, you do all that, but you don't distribute dividends and not for profit definition is you do not distribute dividends. What is a dividend? It is basically profit. So if your company $10 in a year, hypothetical, and you spent $8. All up like all revenue minus all expense. fences across the board and you've got $2 profit in a for profit company, that profit could be then distributed to shareholders, the directors or shareholders or whatever else could receive that those $2 or you can make the decision to reinvest in the business but you have the option to then distribute that money that profit to the owners. In a not for profit, you're you're not only allowed to earn a profit, you should earn a profit even in a not for profit. Because if you don't, you have no ability to grow. The difference is is that that profit that dividend cannot be distributed to anyone. There is no owners there is no shareholders, it cannot go to anyone, it has to go back into the business. So a not for profit isn't one that doesn't make on an on an accounting shader profitable income, that it's that it doesn't go to anyone it doesn't benefit any shareholders, etc, etc. So it's a really important to make so so two big myths there shouldn't not for profit pay people salaries. Absolutely. I implore you to watch Dan paletta TED talk on the economics of a nonprofit slash charity. It will help you a lot if that's what you plan on doing or if you're judging people for earning salaries and wages working for enough profit, everyone, good talent needs to be paid for good money. good money for good talent. You know, we put the cover on the cover of Forbes magazine is like a CEO of a gambling company or a soft drink company. But someone earns a decent wage from curing cancer or raising funds for mental health and the criminalised and it's just not the way it should be. Now, of course, there are outlier cases where people take the piss. And it is just genuinely a criminal endeavour to try and use donated funds to fund someone's life well beyond what's needed or there is actually no impact is just going to someone's back pocket and all that stuff. That shouldn't happen, obviously. But people should be paid for good for good work, even in not for profit and to not profits should earn a profit because it means that they can reinvest it in grow, it just means that they can't distribute it as dividends by definition. The difference between a not for profit and a charity is that a charity has tax concessions. So for example, in Australia, we call it dg one status or dgr means deductible gift receipt status. That means that if someone donates to you, they can claim it on their tax return as a deductible expense. For example, heart on my sleeve became an entity step one listed as a not for profit in our charter, step two. But we were not for profit for ages, before we actually got charity status before we got dgr status, you couldn't actually donate to us and get a deductible gift receipt, because that takes a certain level of approval that you've started a company that's a not for profit. But he's legitimate, like, it's so legitimate, that the government is willing to say we will rebate your tax funds on it. So that part's a little bit harder. We have ended up getting dgr status and now allow people to deduct that gift receipt. But yeah, a few points of clarification there. So company nonprofit status, then charity status with dgr. And people should get paid enough profits and nonprofits should be profitable. They just shouldn't distribute it. So it's a quick lesson on on that because lots of people ask me, hey, I want to start a charity. I want to do this cause thing I want to do a nonprofit. What is that? How do you do it? The way I started Google, set, start charity or start not for profit. And for it's actually really not that hard. It's just like registering a normal business. The hard part is figuring out what you're doing. And actually creating impact is important. Like a lot of people have good intentions, but are you actually doing something that's different and unique and needs to happen? That's probably the hardest part. The other part is getting the deductible gift receipt status as a qualified, toxic taxable charity. So that's today's lesson on that. We've got a I'm excited. We have a different song for the podcast. We have rights to use this song that's coming up for the outro it's called dissecting the bird. It's by a guy called john Craigie. My friend Nick Lawson sent it to me when I wasn't doing well and it was something I've just put on repeat for years now. And I reached out to him as an artist and I said, I really want this to be one of the theme songs for the podcast and after a while of negotiations we got there. So I'm excited. It's reason enough to stick around till the end just to hear this song because it's just so beautiful. That's it for me today. I hope you're having had a great week. I hope you have a great weekend. I'm recording this on a Saturday, the 21st of November 2020. So by the time you listen to this, it could be the following week and I hope it's an absolute Ripper for you. Please rate and review this podcast show it really helps. Remember to follow me on Instagram at Mitch Wallis Wallace with an iOS for daily mental health tips. Please send this podcast to a friend. Make sure you check out heart on my sleeve. We got a whole bunch of awesome stuff in the pipeline. Coming up. We also have another podcast over there just search heart on my sleeve podcast for stories of inspirational people who overcome mental health challenges. And be kind to yourself. Goodbye you beautiful animals. I'll see you on the next episode. Peace. When the candle flickers when the days get dark, the column firstworldproblems they still break your heart. The universe feels like it's against you just take a minute to realise all it took to make you your parents had to meet as random as that was and hang out long enough at least to make some love and make a baby and give it your name. And all your ancestors had to do the same exponentially backwards to the start of life. So much had to happen. Just exactly right. Sparks had to catch. Oceans had to freeze. billions of cells had to survive. And less disease civilizations had to crumble. Wars had to be far bad presidents had to get elected. Good presidents had to get shot. People had to lean parts had to get broken people had to die so you could open the universe is not against you. The universe is not against you. It went through a lot. Just to give you a chance in must alone and you created bad no pressure though. No pressure though. The universe went through a lot but no pressure bro. You don't gotta be perfect. You don't gotta be a saint. Just don't waste it. This was not a mistake. You do wrong. dassit in China. Fine. The song is me. That's show he Thanks for coming. Appreciate it. No pressure.