Understood

Ep.7 | dopamine vacation, biological time bomb for women, afternoon melencholy, male orgasms, cold therapy

August 16, 2020 Mitch Wallis
Understood
Ep.7 | dopamine vacation, biological time bomb for women, afternoon melencholy, male orgasms, cold therapy
Chapters
Understood
Ep.7 | dopamine vacation, biological time bomb for women, afternoon melencholy, male orgasms, cold therapy
Aug 16, 2020
Mitch Wallis

In episode 7 of the UNDERSTOOD podcast with Mitch Wallis, we cover:
- the lack of reward or motivation for working hard during COVID
- the biological time bomb of women and how it can create a scarcity mindset
- Mitch's reflections on feeling sad in the afternoons
- the science behind men not wanting cuddles after sex and how that can affect a relationship
- a breakdown of how to start using cold showers to change your biochemistry
- how to support a grieving friend who is a losing a parent to terminal illness
- what 3 things triggers Mitch the most
- how to journal about self worth to overcome negative thought patterns

- SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW THE SHOW  -
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/02aqR5aly0A7ZSiktQrA2X
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/understood/id1522620849/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb35WjXg5PZG6ZfbNm1AaRA/

- Hotline phone number is -
+61419689311

- Website -
www.mitchwallis.com

- Find me on social media -
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mitch.wallis/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mitchwallism...
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mitchwallis/
TikTok: @mitch.wallis

Show Notes Transcript

In episode 7 of the UNDERSTOOD podcast with Mitch Wallis, we cover:
- the lack of reward or motivation for working hard during COVID
- the biological time bomb of women and how it can create a scarcity mindset
- Mitch's reflections on feeling sad in the afternoons
- the science behind men not wanting cuddles after sex and how that can affect a relationship
- a breakdown of how to start using cold showers to change your biochemistry
- how to support a grieving friend who is a losing a parent to terminal illness
- what 3 things triggers Mitch the most
- how to journal about self worth to overcome negative thought patterns

- SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW THE SHOW  -
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/02aqR5aly0A7ZSiktQrA2X
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/understood/id1522620849/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb35WjXg5PZG6ZfbNm1AaRA/

- Hotline phone number is -
+61419689311

- Website -
www.mitchwallis.com

- Find me on social media -
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mitch.wallis/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mitchwallism...
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mitchwallis/
TikTok: @mitch.wallis

Welcome back you beautiful animals, to another episode of understood the psychology podcast that helps you understand your mind. So that you can learn to love and live happily in this little grey matter between our ears. I'm your host, Mitch Wallis. And I'm excited to be joining you, again, have been a bit on well, recently, I had food poisoning, just after a course of two weeks of antibiotics for something else. So it was kind of, yeah, an absolute washing machine have emotions. For me that really knocked my mental health around. But I feel like I'm on the rebound. And there's enough motivation in my socks to keep me going. But no, in all honesty, it did. It did hurt. And you know, the gut brain connection is so strong, that I definitely felt the ramifications of that. But nonetheless, I'm excited to be with you here today. After some soul searching, I thought, you know what, I'm not going to get to q&a if I keep the current format. And I really want to hear from you guys. So I'm going to make the five tips to understanding mental health videos as a YouTube series. So let's get straight into it with the other stuff, which is complain, curious and cool. So the first thing I want to complain about this week, is how hard it is for people to not have something to work toward. So I've been hosting a lot of groups recently, and those groups have been full of really senior people or just management a lot in the corporate space, important point to add. And one of the main things that's been coming out of it is just how hard it's been not having something at the end of the road to put in more and more effort for. So we've got this imbalanced ledger, we've got on one side, a lot of people are getting more busy, in order to compensate for a lack of resource those who are fortunate enough to have a job. And some industries are going up in terms of demand as opposed to going down. But a lot of people are hectic at the moment. And they have on the other side, not their usual coping techniques that they would use in order to get the energy in the fuel in order to deal with that mixed with even if it's not an inflow of something, it's just general life satisfaction is happening outside of work, whether it's playing golf, or tennis with friends and going to the pub to have a beer with your mates. And that is a really worrying trajectory for me that these things are pulling further and further apart. Because eventually somewhere that's gonna become elastic, it's got to give when you have people doing more and more and coping having less than less access to their coping tools. And I think what lies at the centre of all that is, anyone can sprint for a certain amount of time, if someone just says for this long. And it's not knowing how long they're going to sprint for, you know, I'm talking to people who are sleeping four or five hours a night, because they're getting up, they have a massive workload plus they go to balance the kids and parenting from home and all that stuff. And usually they'd be like, it's okay, because there's something at the end of that there is either a financial reward or a holiday or something like that. But at the moment, we're putting in more effort for less compensation, because people probably can't pay financial rewards right now. And holidays are blocked off. And so so we've already got this thing that's pulling us from either side. And then in the middle, there's a usual reward that balances that and that's gone. So and humans value progress over anything else. If you're interested in like the psychology of that, its loss aversion is a really great thing. So we we put more importance on not losing something than actually gaining it. So you would, most people would prefer not to lose $50 than they already have than to gain $100 that they don't. And, yes, there's just no carrot dangling. There's no, there's no input to this output. That Yeah, that scares me. And I don't see necessarily an ending for that at the moment because COVID is just going to keep perpetuating this cycle. So I think more than anything, I want to echo the complaints that probably many of you listening have, I think The moment that do feel that that are like, Hey, I don't have anything in my life right now that's giving me the reward that I need to progress or motivate towards something, and I'm running on empty. There's no gas in the car. So I just want to shout out to you, I get that. And just another reminder that this is not going to be forever. This is a moment in time. And we will get through this. And you're not alone. So the second thing I want to complain about today is girls having a anatomical time bond. And I just feel sorry, not feel sorry, is in a patronising way, I really feel for women who have this biological time clock that's telling them, hey, you need to reproduce and settle down. And this kind of came from speaking to a friend of mine this week, and she's feeling really down at the moment, about feeling lost in her life, not having, you know, being 30 and having a being out of work at the moment, having a stable boyfriend, etc, etc. And, you know, she's like, I really want to find someone and I'm dating this guy. And it's been going on for a few weeks, but I don't know if we're values aligned in terms of, you know, wanting something more in the future. She does, and, and he hasn't given her that certainty. And I said to her, dude, like, it's early, just enjoy it be free, and don't think about it too much. And she's like, well, there's no point going down this garden path. If we just know from the start, it's not meant to be. And I said, Yeah, but that's the best way to scare him off, is to be that hectic at the start. And, and, and she's like, well, I kind of have to be hectic. And for her, it's not as much of a biological reason there is some in there. But it's not the first time I've heard a friend, a girl mate of mine say that. Yeah, that they feel this pressure, and it sucks. And why it sucks, is because that creates a sense of urgency and urgency creates scarcity. And scarcity creates anxiety. And it makes us act in ways that aren't necessarily the best way for that situation. So when we act in a place of scarcity, I, there's limited resource round and I have limited time, we tense up and just take an athlete for an example, the more and more pressure on a big game to perform, they're going to tense up versus in training, they're just hitting home runs. And I think that when we're in scarcity and urgency, we compromise. And we don't necessarily do what's right for us in the long term because we need to hit an immediate goal where our brain is telling us achieve x objective which could be find a partner and settle down before this biological time clock runs out. Back may that is hard man that is hard for anyone to have on their mind. It not only leads to compromise, it leads to stress, and a whole bunch of other things. But you know that the opposite mindset is true, which is abundance. abundance is the best place to be. And I don't even necessarily mean actual abundance where you have heaps of people getting in line to date you. I'm in a mindset of abundance, which is a belief that it will be okay. Regardless if this works out or not. I will be okay. I will be cared for in this domain that I'm looking for abundance, whether it's money or financial relationships, or whatever else is sales. For example, if you look at a money abundance example, when someone when a salesperson toward you is operating in a place of scarcity, you can smell it on them, you can smell the desperation you can sell the hard sell, smell the hard sell, sell the hotel, and it kind of repels you away. And I'm not saying that when when when we're well I kind of am saying that when we're not in a place of abundance in our dating world, then people will feel that and from a mental health perspective, that fucking sucks because it often leads to rejection. It's this catch 22 where you really want someone or end or you need someone biologically to mate with and settle down with that yet you're pushing people away because the moment they come close to you, they're like, holy shit, man. This is like putting a ring on it from week one. This is too much me too much commitment. I'm out. So it's like When you need more, you get less, and the brain just fucking cruel like that. And that leads to rejection and despondency. And then you pull out and the whole system starts to fall on itself. I'm speaking from experience here, because for a lot of my life, I have been in a scarcity mindset, whether it's at work or in, in romantic relationships or otherwise. And that was having a massive detrimental effect to my mental health. Because for so that I would say, Well, if this doesn't happen, then x will happen. And I would get on this like future loop state. And then when I started believing, and trusting in both myself and the universe, that if this particular person event deal, whatever it was, didn't come off, I'm going to be okay. And I would put in practical things to make sure of that. So I would always have a, Plan B, Plan C, etc, etc, etc, to pull my mind off the pressure of point A needing to work. But I would also not just have the practical element of it, I would have a conceptual understanding and belief in myself that I will make it and I'll be fine No matter what, regardless of the domain in which I was experiencing that tensity, or that pressure, that scarcity, I would try and move to an abundance, it's okay. And I believe that and then here are my backup plans in every case in point. But most of all, when you learn to, as lame as it sounds, love yourself, and be okay in your own company, and just take that pressure off, you attract more abundance. And so, you know, that's easier said than done. And, and I said to my friend, I was like, Hey, I really, I really want to recognise the fact that, you know, your body's telling you run hard, we don't have time. And that's having a massive impact on your mind and your mental health. So if you're a girl out there experiencing that, I want to I just want to shout it out. And it sucks. And as much as possible. Stop, slow down, take a breath, let go. scarcity is in a mindset that's going to attract the right energy from a spiritual sense. Nor is it going to be effective, in a tangible, practical sense. So if you can trust it's gonna be okay. have backup plans. act as though you're ready to lose it. As in, you must ask yourself all the time. If this wasn't here, would I be okay? Or if I didn't have this? Would I be okay? As much as humanly possible? The answer has to be yes. Because if the answer is no, it means you have too much stock too much self care stock, too much sanity stock invested in that object, thing, person, event or otherwise. You know, because everything is subject to the weather, of course, we attach to things, it's human nature, to want things to happen or to be to be bounded to things in our life. But it's To what extent, if one thing if one person or one thing hinders our entire happiness, if that doesn't happen, I will feel x i can't cope. That means it's a massive red flag and opportunity to say, Well, how do I diversify my buckets? How do I take the pressure off that needing to work by finding happiness or meaning or fulfilment, or whatever you're looking for in other buckets, and actually, actually network stream? It is so important. So for me, what's really helped come to a place of abundance, as I said, belief plans, ABCD and E. And, yeah, I mean, it's obviously I have the luxury of speaking at it from a male's perspective here. But just being conscious that that might come off in your energy when that biological time clock is here. totally appreciate that's the worst situation of being for you. And hopefully by now you can see that I'm trying to acknowledge it. But the more pressure you put on yourself, and the less time horizon you have, and etc, etc, you you won't attract the person you want because you won't be free and organic and natural and be willing to, to walk away and lose them. Because it's that willingness, that uncertainty that might not work out and I'm not going to compromise that's ultimately going to serve you in the long run. And we'll get you the right person because I'll see that no respecter. Anyway, I'm interested in your thoughts on that. So hit the hotline. If you have any comments, reflections, Otherwise on what I just went through? So they're my two complaints for the week and I'm complaining on behalf of others, I think. What am I curious about? I'm curious at the moment that I'm, I'm noticing a slight melancholy in myself toward the end of the day. It's like 4pm every day or 5pm. I start to get this like, general sense of something's not quite right. I feel a little bit down. It's just a grey tinge in the world. And yeah, I think, I think that's from the fact I've done some reflecting and journaling on it. I don't know why. But this time of day has always affected me. But at the moment, it's affecting me more. I think I'm tired mentally, because I've just given the day or my resource. I've Oh, shit, I thought I wasn't recording for a second now. Almost freaked out. I've given everything to the day mentally. I not have I don't have anything to look forward to. Because by the time it gets to the end of the day, you like all the fun things and are gone. And unfortunately, or fortunately for me, one of my funnest things is work. And I'm like, Oh, my workday is over. And that makes me sad. Because I love working. And I love what I do. I don't even call it what I love being absorbed. And in a flow state when it comes to psychology, mental health, let's put it that way. And there's something about the sunset is great. But it's the moment before the sun sets. In the not so beautiful part. I don't know, it's I'm curious about it. I don't know why I'm feeling this afternoon, melancholy. And then I'm like, oh, there's only really boring things left for the rest of the day eating dinner and watching Telly. I thrive off creative stimulation to such a degree, that when I know that I have to relax for my own sanity, I kind of find it boring and depressing, I think. Which is kind of sad. So maybe I need to find more enjoyable ways of relaxing. I mean, most people love relaxing. They're like, hey, if I could sit in bed and watch Netflix all day, that would be my Nirvana. To me. That sounds horrible. You know, occasionally I need that. And a case like that in my own way. I think it's when on a daily basis, you kind of in the wind down, there's no creative stimulation left in the agenda. I kind of get a little bit. So I'm just working through that. It's nothing bad. And it's not debilitating me. But I just thought it was curious. And maybe you guys are experiencing that. Maybe not hit me on the Hot Line, baby. And tell me what you think. That's my version of Drake. So that's my other curious. My other one is, oh, this is an interesting one. Why do men pull away? Bad use of words? Why do men get disinterested after sex? So I've heard from girls before unplugs as well, like, oh, why does that happen? What is this refractory period, this mysterious refractory period? And just to clarify, you might be saying like, How the fuck does this have anything to do with mental health or psychology? This will all make sense. So it has something to do with psychology for two reasons. One, for blokes, it can be a time of not a good time after you've had an orgasm, it can be like oh, like, everything gets sucked out. It's often very relaxing, but it's the time where you can be left feeling most empty. For example, if you know with the right partner or otherwise, for four girls, it can also have a massive psychological impact in your relationship because your partner doesn't want to necessarily cuddle after sex, which you do, and that might signal or he's just in this superficially, he only wants me when he's horny, etc, etc. And that can have massive self esteem impacts. So I want to clarify it and I want to clarify with some signs first. So what happens in a male orgasm is quite different to a female orgasm. First of all sex is sex is boosting dopamine and testosterone in a male brain. So as it's happening, the reward centre of I'm getting this thing that I really want is firing on all cylinders. Plus your testosterone is like crunchy like male hormone is going through the roof. When you when a guy has an orgasm, basically all of that testosterone releases a lot of it. So first and foremost, your sex drive is like out of your system. Second thing is, dopamine then stops being produced, it doesn't stop, it reduces significantly from the brain. So your reward centre starts to go down, and therefore your motivation to get and do this certain thing or, or actually behave in any way. Often you just want to roll over and go to sleep is significantly reduced. In fact, one of the biggest things here to note is that, you know, it's hard, it's also hard for, and I can understand why for girls to understand this because the female body is constructed in such an amazingly fortunate way that a girl will increase most often, scientifically speaking, we'll be able to have multiple orgasms. And although there's a slight sensitive period after an orgasm, it will often increase your sexual appetite and, and crescendo and grow on itself. So it's not this linear, acute drop off. Again, which makes it hard for a girl to understand well, why do you become so disinterested? Ladies? from a guy standpoint, imagine this imagine and sorry for being so visceral and hopefully you get where I'm coming from here. Imagine like being starving, like absolutely stopping. Just seeing the outline of a chicken biscuit will make you want to destroy some food. And I'm not necessarily saying that a guy wants to destroy a girl that was about analogy, but what I mean is that guys have a super high sex drive 24 seven, it doesn't leave most of the time. Again, people are gonna be like you're generalising I am for the sake of simplicity. But guys are just they operate on a much higher level. I'm not saying girls on a sexual I think girls are actually as sexual as men. But it's not this constant frequency, this white noise that plagues their life all the time, I think girls as sexual in moments of sexuality when they are attracted to the person in that container in that instance. But I think that guys have just this undercurrent. This is crazy stat around how many times how many times a minute a guy thinks about sex. So think about you're starving. And then you couldn't imagine being full, like the thought of being full. Can't even cross your mind. You don't even remember what it was like, even if it's even if you were full at breakfast time. And it's now lunchtime. You like not don't even remember what being fully is all I can think about is hunger. Then someone puts this massive roast in front of you. You eat that dinner, or you eat that lunch real quick. And then all of a sudden, you're I'm stuffed. I could not eat another thing couldn't even think about food. In fact, someone puts down something next to you that is stunningly beautiful and delicious. And you go, Oh, no, I can't. That's kind of what happens. Obviously, hopefully you guys know me well enough by now that I'm not comparing a female to food. I'm comparing us the being satiated. And having a instinctual desire, like hunger, like sex is scientifically. And so it's not this beautiful tasting plate that a girl will have where it's like, oh, I'm Morrish for that type of food. A guy's like I'm starving. I want the food. I've eaten the food. And now I'm so full and I don't want food. The main chemical that's responsible for the I don't want any more food is a chemical called prolactin. It is the same chemical in females that's used to lactate. But in men, what it essentially does is it's that same bit feeling of being satiated. That feeling of being content and satisfied is really that prolactin it floods the brain. It represses dopamine and you also have an increase in serotonin. And that serotonin is giving you that sense of calm and relaxation, slight sense of euphoria, etc, etc. So the refractory period, and again, I haven't researched this part enough, but in my opinion, is actually a great scientific tool. The drop in testosterone, the drop in dopamine, the rise of prolactin, the rise of serotonin is very, very helpful. And the reason is because guys, as such sexual animals, there has to be a stopping point that there has to be a circuit breaker. I think there would be a lot more sexual misconduct with men if there wasn't a refractory period if there wasn't a point of status of being satisfied because there would be this then endless you know, guys are can be creepy enough enough as it is shout out to all the guys that aren't crepes, you know, but I just mean, you know, our bodies are so full of chemicals all the time, thank God, there is a moment that releases it. Because I do think there would be a lot of bad behaviour if that wasn't the case. So I think it's nature's way of being like you physically can't get an erection or have an orgasm for a certain period of time. to delay any dangerous acts moving forward, there has to be a stop button to this. So I do think it is a good thing. So, ladies, the reason why I say all that is please don't let it affect your mental health. If your man doesn't want to cuddle off to sex, his body is basically saying it's impossible for him to feel any sense of horniness and just remember he even if even if he loves you, the same level of oxytocin and that bonding hormone that you're feeling isn't necessarily what he's feeling right after. He's probably feeling I need to go for a nap or do away or just like be myself even for a few minutes. So if he's not cuddling, that's the psychology as to why not? Yes, in rare instances, not cuddling after sex might be a sign of something else it might not be as it might be a sign of him not being fully in the relationship or not being he might not just be an affectionate person. But I wouldn't let that play your thoughts as the dominant scenario. I really wouldn't. I think for the most part, even if someone loves you, your biology is screaming at you to get off. And, and leave me alone in my little cave. Is that a reason? or making? Like, is that an excuse to then be not affectionate? I mean, you guys should never be rude after that. But and by the way, this also applies to my relationships. I don't mean to be. Yeah, to be rude at all. I think that I think in my ultimate relationships, for example, a guy, a guy's partner, and then the guy would be like, I get it more because I'm feeling the same thing. But again, each to his own. Some people even blokes may love cuddles after sex. But if you bloke doesn't, there's a psychological reason as to why prolactin blame production. And my second cool, oh, sorry, my second. Okay, so we've done complain, no reward for work and girls having a time bomb. I want to combine now that we've done curious, getting sad toward the end of the day, and men getting disinterested after sex. And now we're on to our cool segment. So that is, first thing I want to say. Just another massive shout out to parents during COVID man, you are fucking cool. It is so amazing to see how parents are rallying during this time really putting in the work and just being fucking soldiers. So just shout out to the parents out there doing COVID particularly parents with younger kids. Because man it is it looks real tough. So I just want to say that super cool. Another thing that I find cool of I've said this before, but I want to make it a specific call segment. Cold water man. Guys, please, please, please, please try this out. Please put cold therapy into your self care plan. It is such a game changer. The research around how it reduces inflammation in your body, which has a massive benefit for anxiety and depression. It's a like it shocks you out of a when you're getting into a thought loop. It boosts all the good chemicals that you need to feel motivated and blah, blah, blah, it helps healing and recovery. But I'm just saying anecdotally the difference in my day. Sorry about the mic the difference in my day when I do have a cold shower of morning and when I don't is profound. Now you don't need to jump straight into the ice bath. I'd encourage you start with a cold shower, put it on. So soak yourself up in warm water so have your shower as you usually do using warm to hot water and then at the end before you leave put it on and I would do this over the course of a few days or weeks get a little bit colder every day. So put it too cold to the point where you're uncomfortable and sit there for two minutes. So I now I'm at a point where I just go from hot I'm like Okay, it's time to go for the cold shower and I go straight to cold and I make that transition. What might work better for you is slowly going from warm to cold. But so what and and everyone has different ideas around the way that they cope well with that Cold water and if you're interested in really geeking out on this stuff, Wim Hof is the man he is The Iceman, he teaches people all over the world. He's the thought leader in cold therapy, check out his online learning. But what works for me is when I turn the cold on, I first let it hit me. So I often face my chest. So I let it hit my chest. And I breathe through that pain and discomfort, so I don't move I stay fully still, I put it on called boof. And then the warm time just to call it hits my chest. And I just breathe through it. And I don't dissociate from that feeling. I don't try and go somewhere else, I try and I just lightly have my attention to where the water is hitting my chest. And I don't cling on to that, like I don't think super hard around the pain that I don't try and label it as good or bad. Let's put it that way. I don't say I'm feeling something great, or I'm feeling something horrible. I just focus on the sensation of the cold hitting my chest. And I lightly have mindfulness toward that. So I'm not dissociating from it. I'm not really like trapped by the emotional moment wrapped up in it. So I'm not on either side. Let it hit me and I stay there breathing for about 30 to 60 seconds. And by the way in the breathing, you'll notice that your your air might be like almost taken from you because of the cold. There are specific signs breathing techniques around this that again, I would encourage you to check out particularly on Wim Hof Method. But for me what helps is longer exhales because the chemistry is changing in your body. So I take small sips of air in and I take a slow exhale. And sometimes I need to speed that exhale up because I start to get lightheaded. So don't otherwise you'll pass out in the shower, that is not what you want. So I tend to take small sips of air in and and I just do that small breathing cycle. And that outbreath seems to be really important for me, and I let that hit me. And then what I do is I turn around, and I cover the rest of my body. And now this is where I introduced movement because that transition, you might get used to it on your chest. And when you make that transition to your back or whatever. Oh man, that hurts. That's where I literally I tense my stomach for whatever reason, that really helps me I tense my stomach, I brace and then I flip over and I kind of create movement then. So like you know how when you're cold if you just move around a bit. So then when I wet the wet rest of my body, I'm moving around, I go over my shoulder over my back on my legs, and I kind of put it everywhere. And so then I've got my stomach tansen let it go everywhere. And then to end, I'll put my head under the shower, and I'll let it go all over my head and on the front of my face. And I'll breathe through that don't hold your breath. So you know you breathe through the water. And I try and keep my head under for at least 10 to 15 seconds because that I think is where you're getting the most benefit. That's the real regeneration home God I feel a million bucks like I've just had a shot a coffee. So process from start to finish, enter shower, shower normally with warm water, soap etc. At the end, either put it straight to cold or gradually make your way to cold with the water hitting your chest. breathe through it, have a gentle awareness of the sensation. Don't try and judge it as good or bad, don't dissociate, and go somewhere else. Stay there for about 30 seconds to a minute on your chest. And then tense your stomach. Let it cover the rest of your body. And use the movement and the density of your stomach to try and like negate the effects of the harshness of the cold water. Get it all over the rest of your body. And then once you feel like you're fully saturated, put your head on up, breathe through it, focus on your out breath, have your head under for at least 10 seconds and then end and come out. We'd love to hear your experience with culturelle a massive help for anxiety and depression. So that is what I'm finding very cool at the moment. All right, let's take some calls. So the hotline number is plus 61419689311. So if you're in Australia, it's Oh 419689311 hit me up with your calls. And I'm going to get to some right now. Where's my mailbox? All right, here we go. Hello there Mitch. Have your well it's Dallas calling. I've Have a probably not a tough one. But I've got a very close friend of mines dad who has terminal cancer and doesn't have a whole lot long way. Now they're semi made as much as they can be. Always want to talk to him hang out with and just spend time with him. Whether you know, rather than take his mind off, or just talk to him about it. I'm just wondering, you know, not so much. Is there something I say that what's what's some good suggestions on how just to make him feel like he's nice to there with him through this pretty tough time? Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thank you Dallas for for that call. And I'm sorry to hear that your friend is going through such a hard time. And terminal illness is just the worst day it just has such a massive impact on our life. And our loved ones. And I wish I wish it wasn't a thing. Mate for that one. Honestly, 90% of your role is to listen. And I think in a moment like grief, we find that how true that actually is, because there's nothing we can physically do or say, to make that better. There's just nothing we can do or say. The thing that's gonna help a lot is you providing your presence and your strength and your energy through simply being there. You know, you can't take the terminal illness away, all you can do is show up for him and say, Man, I love you. Now, this is counterintuitive to what you think would be the right thing to say to someone like this. But it's actually really helpful when you go toward the most uncomfortable part, which is saying like, you know, What part do you fear the most if you do lose him. Because it's taking that, that harshness, it's going around in his head anyway, I guarantee it. The fears are going around in his head. And so it's not like you're putting the thought in his mind to be like, oh, think about all the bad things that happen. If your dog goes, it's actually giving him a relief of being like God, I really glad I can just put a name to this and call this out and share this with you. He's actually all the things that I'm scared of. And sit there and validate that don't try and fix it or change it or problem solve it straightaway. Just sit there. Listen, say yeah, I understand that, tell me more. Why is that important to you, etc, etc. So hear out his deepest fears around what it might be to lose his father. As opposed to tell him it's all gonna be okay, he's gonna get through it. That motivation in that positivity side has a massive role to play, you know, showing up and saying, we're gonna work so hard, your dad's doing so well, you know, keeping that engine, but also giving him the opportunity to say, you know what, I'm fucking petrified of this. And ask him, what parts What part? Are you petrified of what, you know? What's your worst fears here and hear that out? So then at least he's not holding all those fears on his own. So that might seem counterintuitive, but that will be a massive, massive help to a friend who's staring down the barrel of losing someone incredibly close. hope that makes sense. All right, another coal guy might help you. Well. I was just wondering, what is your most triggering situation? And how do you deal with it? change? Alright, right, my most triggering situation, and how do I deal with it? I think my most triggering situation is when I feel depersonalised which can often happen for a number of reasons. But then I think to myself, Oh my god, am I about to go insane? That's the most triggering thing for me is like, Oh, am I about to go crazy? Am I about to lose my mind? Nothing scares me more than that. And so I think what I do, I've done shit tonnes of work on on that and making sure that I don't, don't let that negativity feed in. And I now am confident that I've either already lost my mind or that I never will. So I bet I cannot. I cannot tell you how much the fear of losing my mind has fucked me up in my lifetime. And I have made a substantial amount of peace with it. And so now it doesn't affect me nearly as much. But if I haven't slept right for a few days, if I'm really stressed if I've had a lot of days on alcohol, and I start to feel depersonalised or I feel outside of my body, I feel a bit like, foggy and I'm watching things through a glass mirror, or that I start to feel like a stranger to myself or like, whatever. Then I'm like, Oh, fuck, but that happens a lot more rarely. Now. Similarly, if I feel with my another thing that's super triggering is if I can't let go of a thought, if a thought keeps Boomerang Boomerang back, and I can't drop it. I'm like, Oh, shit, because that means my obsessional thinking has ramped and it's really sticky. And again, I've done shit tonnes of work on that. So I'm actually quite good at managing. I, I rarely get those Boomerang thoughts. But when I do, I'm like, Oh, my God, wife, I can't stop on thinking this and like, Baba, Baba. And then I have to employ, apply my self care strategies, which I've spoken about previously. But a lot of them is around like understanding the people that I go to the actions that I take, and the mindsets that I tell myself and I, and then I go, boom, boom, boom, and I hit myself care. And often 99% of the time about it. For me, it's about slowing down. And challenging the mindset of like, what is actually driving this fear here. And knowing it's not in knowing it's not real and coming and connecting with people I love particularly my mother, and just feeling nurtured and soothed. And that takes care of a lot of it. Another super triggering thing for me is when I feel like I, like I was gonna oversimplify it and say conflict. But the problem is, is that I've grown up, I grew up very, very sensitive. I'm going to make a video on this soon. I realised that my biggest regret in life more than anything more than the smoke of marijuana when I was 16, that triggered my panic disorder, and depersonalization for 10 years, which I've regretted that night forever. And now actually, I don't regret it at all. Because of how much it's helped me. But the number one thing I regret is making people wrong. I used to do that a lot. I used to blame. I used to project I used to Gaslight I used to guilt trip. Not making excuses. But that's similar behaviour to some members in my family. And in the way I grew up. That was how we that was how they behaved toward me. So as a child, I thought that was acceptable. But otherwise, I own the parts of that are just inherently made. And I'm getting better at it. But yeah, I'm gonna make a video on this specific thing around. My number one regret. But so when I when I feel like I've had an argument with someone that I love, and I've made them wrong, unnecessarily. I feel really bad about myself. That's really triggering for me. I feel like Oh, how could I have owned that better? Am I being a victim? like going back into that mindset? I hate it when I do that. Yeah, there's so many things that trigger me, but there's, they're like some of the top ones. One last call. Hey, Mitch, Matt grant here. May I have a question for you. I genuinely thrive off making other people happy. And I really despite having such amazing things in my life, I struggled to find genuine happiness within myself. Do you have any advice around this? Thanks, Mike. Yeah, definitely. Thanks, Matt, for that call. I think a lot of us struggle with this. I think a lot of us struggle to be happy in ourselves, but for whatever reason, we can make other people happy. And I think it's first acknowledging that it's normal to feel that it's not helpful to feel that. So a few things a boundaries is going to be really important. So understand, your superpower is being in service to others is helping others don't get rid of that you don't need to. Just make sure that you're never letting that encroach on your own happiness to the point where you're going above and beyond so much that you drive yourself into a ground, the ground and your mental health gets completely eroded as a result. So use service to others as your superpower, but don't let it put you in a place where it starts to become your curse. So boundaries is gonna be really, really important to look after you. The second thing is, it sounds for people that feel like They can't be happy. on their own alone, there's often a self worth issue going on. So why don't I feel worthy? Why don't I love myself? And I would really encourage you to reflect in general on that. And it's a big question to ask yourself, you know, write down what parts of myself do I despise? If I could change certain parts of myself? What would they be? And have a really honest conversation with with with yourself on that page and be willing to hear answers that you don't like? Because it's from there that we can start to build some insight and be like, oh, whoa, there's a lot of negative self talk coming from this, this and this aspect of my personality. And now I have this out here, and I can work with that to start to a understand it, and then maybe challenge it, work through it, process it and let it go and start to create new narratives within yourself and start to understand what do you need in order to do that? So journal, what is what is keeping me from loving myself? What would I change? And then also, what do I love, because it's the party self that you'd love that will be able to pull those other parts along that you don't. And then you can bring them into your therapist or talk it out with someone that will just listen to you. And so I think building a foundation of self worth is going to be key. Regardless. And understanding what's getting in the way of that is key is just said key, like eight times is fuckin important. So, another thing is going to be find out if there is a chemical or chemistry part of this going on, because you might have things going on in your brain that, you know, you're pulling all the levers, you're doing all the things and you're still not feeling better. And that's when I'll be saying, well, maybe chemically, something's not adding up, maybe you should get your bloods done and see if you're low in certain vitamins or you might be low in testosterone or whatever. Look at supplements and foods in your diet, get curious around what your belly doesn't doesn't like. Because there might be intolerances or food deficiencies that you're not hitting that's causing that or and or there might be brain chemicals like serotonin, which I'm just mathematically deficient in out of the womb like that I just don't have as much as everyone else does. So I take a antidepressant, which acts as a bit of a boost to get me on a par or level playing field with everyone else. So there might be a chemistry thing that's just like, Hey, I'm doing all this work or not getting better. I need the wiring of the engine of the car, not just the driver to get better. And that's gonna really help by focusing on the medical side of things there. are I think that's enough calls for today. Hit me up on the hotline. Oh, 419689311 could be a question could be a comment. Could be like, Hey, what's up and be like, I love what you do. It could be like, I hate what you do. Just wanna hear from you. Just wanna hear from you. Our promise I will never stop seeing you on this podcast and You have my word on that. I know that you want that shit. I will never stop no matter what they fucking say. Alright, you beautiful bloody animals. It's been a pleasure sharing this with you for some reason I can hear some radio frequency in my headphones maybe that's been there the whole time. I fuckin hope not. Because that's gonna be a pain in the ass to edit out if that's the case. If you bear with me until this point, love there's some more guest episodes coming to more that have been pre recorded. So I'll be launching them and then I'll get into the new stuff with guests. I'm really excited for them. Let me know what you want to hear more of please subscribe to the podcast wherever you get it from iTunes Apple etc. Please rate and review it literally takes five seconds to press five stars no less. Just kidding. Press whatever you want. And leave it if you feel like it leave review but at very least Can you please write it it really helps get our message out there. Follow me for daily tips on mental health on Instagram at Mitch Wallis Wallace with an iOS at the end. I'm also about to launch a YouTube series so if you follow my Instagram you'll be able to link to that. Yeah, and all the other things but have an amazing week. I see you uh he you feel you you're not alone. Over and out for now you beautiful things.