Understood

Ep.5 | Finding professional help, talking about yourself too much, body language, ballet & eating disorders, reducing coffee anxiety

August 02, 2020 Mitch Wallis
Understood
Ep.5 | Finding professional help, talking about yourself too much, body language, ballet & eating disorders, reducing coffee anxiety
Chapters
Understood
Ep.5 | Finding professional help, talking about yourself too much, body language, ballet & eating disorders, reducing coffee anxiety
Aug 02, 2020
Mitch Wallis

In this episode we cover:
- 5 tips to finding the right professional help: what are the barriers, where to start, what to look for in a psychologist/therapist
- The biggest way to kill chemistry in a conversation
- How body language can be subconscious and affect our interactions
- The exploration of eating disorders and those who have a history of dance
- The ingredient that can reduce anxiety related to caffeine consumption

- SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW THE SHOW  -
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/02aqR5aly0A7ZSiktQrA2X
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/understood/id1522620849/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb35WjXg5PZG6ZfbNm1AaRA/

- Hotline phone number is -
+61419689311

- Website -
www.mitchwallis.com

- Find me on social media -
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mitch.wallis/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mitchwallism...
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mitchwallis/
TikTok: @mitch.wallis

Show Notes Transcript

In this episode we cover:
- 5 tips to finding the right professional help: what are the barriers, where to start, what to look for in a psychologist/therapist
- The biggest way to kill chemistry in a conversation
- How body language can be subconscious and affect our interactions
- The exploration of eating disorders and those who have a history of dance
- The ingredient that can reduce anxiety related to caffeine consumption

- SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW THE SHOW  -
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/02aqR5aly0A7ZSiktQrA2X
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/understood/id1522620849/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb35WjXg5PZG6ZfbNm1AaRA/

- Hotline phone number is -
+61419689311

- Website -
www.mitchwallis.com

- Find me on social media -
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mitch.wallis/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mitchwallism...
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mitchwallis/
TikTok: @mitch.wallis

W elcome back you beautiful animals to another episode of understood the psychology podcast helping you get insight and understanding to your own mind. So you can learn to make peace with yourself and love yourself. I'm your host, Mitch Wallis. And I'm excited to be diving into another chat with you all. So let's get into it that intro music was brought to you by France and Cisco. And they're a group made up of two brothers isaaq and thorold. And thorold is actually a really good friend of mine. I met him after he delivered this song, at an event that I was at for university in my psychology degree. And he got up on stage and just pulled out this guitar and started playing and the whole audience was just like, holy shit, that was one of those moments that just touched your every cell of your body. And he's when he after the song, he started talking about his journey, what he'd been through. And I related so much to it. He had OCD, he was from Australia, and I was in New York at the time. And he talks about how he's group, he's old group brother's car and him and his brother used to to with pink, and Coldplay and open for them and be signed to this massive label. But his true calling is mental health. And I was just like, holy shit, I gotta meet this guy. So I like ran up to him. After the event went backstage, and I was like, dude, we have to become brothers. And, and we pretty much have I ended up staying with him and his family shortly after that in Ohio and California and just hung out. And we're like, I don't know, found this really deep soul connection between us as mates. And with a very, very similar journey and so many things bringing us close. And ever since then, we've just kept in touch. He has started this new group, France and Cisco. And he's also running a company with his brother called your big voice, which helps people find their true inner spirit, and they're calling and express their pain and emotion through song and they run workshops. That's kind of like therapy and behavioural change. By helping people who even can't sing, learn to sing and get out what's been inside them, often for their entire life. And he's just a dude, I am really excited and proud and humbled that he's allowed us to play the music on the podcast. Definitely check them out Francisco. He recently launched a new song under that group. And you can listen to it on Spotify, where he sings about a baby, a baby, his, his son, jack, that they actually just lost. And it is one of the most moving songs you'll ever hear. It's called more than you know. And it was written about what it was like having a son and after almost a year and a half of him being sick from the moment he was born out of the womb, he was basically on life support to the moment that they lost him a couple of weeks ago, or months now, how much that impacted him, obviously. And I mean, I challenge you to listen to the song more than you know by Francisco and not cry knowing that beautiful jack is in those words, and the struggle that he had as a child from day one until the end and the amount of energy and prayer and love that went into this boy's life. Actually, when I interviewed told on the heart of my sleep podcast a couple of years ago, he was saying how excited he was about a second child coming in his first boy and to see him lose that has, you know, broken my heart and his heart beyond any country. comprehension. And just like they do the boys have put it into song to try and even get one nano of expression and healing through what they've, what they've gone through. So yeah, thank you for continuing to be on the journey with me told in all these different ways and we want to support you as much as we can during this time and moving forward. So let's get into it, I've got a new framework or new structure for this now for this podcast, who the fuck knows if it'll stay like this, because I changed my mind a lot. So I reserve the right to change it. But I'm going to go into start with some news and updates, life updates, then I want to start a segment called five tips to understanding. So the podcast is obviously called understood psychological tools to help you understand yourself through research, lived experience, guests, etc. And every week, I want to cover a certain topic and give you five tips to understanding that topic, whether it be how to speak up medication, how to get through a panic attack, whatever. So I'm really excited for that segment. Then we're gonna start three segments after that, which is complaint curious and cool. So something I want to complain about as it pertains to mental health, whether it be funding or the way that people act, or whatever. So something to get off my chest, something curious, something that I'm like pondering things that I've observed in people's behaviour or something in the world psychologically, that I'm curious about. And something that's just cool. So it might be a product that I'm using at the moment that's really helping my mental health, or our learning that I've had in a book that I've read recently, or talking to an expert, and I'm like, Damn, I really want to share that. So then we'll go through complaint, curious call. And we'll try and get some q&a on these episodes, but they might turn into standalone episodes, depending on how many questions we've had that week through the hotline. So starting with news, my life the last couple of weeks, and by the way, there was an episode delay. I'm going to do these at least weekly. But you might have heard in the last episode that I'm really trying to get strict around, not over pushing it. And even if I've said, Hey, I need to get something done. If my mental health isn't there, then really making the hard decision to slow down and put my own self above the work. And the last couple of weeks, I've just had so much on that I was like, You know what, I got to show my listeners that I'm leading by example, even if it means letting them down with a late episode. But I hope you've enjoyed the first three and the chat I had with Purvis. We've got some huge guests coming up. There's actually a few episodes from the heart on my sleeve podcast I'm going to put over here because hard on my sleeves more of a storytelling podcast now. And I want this to be more of the insights and tools. And so I'm going to bring over some experts that I interviewed previously and put them here, so I look forward to releasing them soon. I've been working on two new businesses. So one is called real mates, which is a Wisp bleeding heart on my sleeve in half, and we're keeping in as a social movement. And then we're creating real mates separately. And I really encourage you to jump on to heart on my sleeve.org and put your name down to on our little pop up window to receive an email from us when we launch real mates. It'll be in the next few weeks, maybe months. And it is a game changer. I am super proud of this organisation. It's essentially a three part organisation. The first is training, all of all of which pertains to conversations and connection because it's the number one tool that you can use to build resilience and get through hard times when it comes to mental health. So we've developed first of all a training programme that empowers you to have real conversations. And it is, I mean, I'm probably biassed, but I can say with fair objectivity, the most comprehensive and impactful conversations training on the market period. I've put years years 1000s of hours into building this curriculum. And we've had amazing results so far, we've rolled it out in the corporate space only and we're soon going to open up our online learning course to everyday individuals. And it's a game changer. Like we've got 100% likelihood to recommend the training. You're walking away from the training, we want you to be way more confident in your ability to either support someone or support yourself through a hard conversation. And we take everything boundaries, safety, suicidality, engagement, action planning the 20 things to look out for went to know that Once not doing well, the four steps to checking with someone and actually getting a response as opposed to I'm fine. The 11 domains of coping, the five ways to know or conversations, not necessarily like this thing is rock solid. So I'm really, really pumped for the launch of real mate. So check it out hard on my sleeve.org sign up for the newsletter to get an alert when we've launched that. The second part of real mates is accreditation. So we realise that there's a lot of people out there who want to volunteer and who want to use their experience to give back to others. And so we've created an accreditation programme. So trainings for people, the training, the previous work stream, is for people who want to know, more tips to kind of get a bit better in their day to day conversations. Maybe they've got a family member or a friend or a colleague that's not doing well, and they want to understand how do I show up better? Or how do I find my voice and ask for help better accreditation is, I've been through it. And now I want to use my experience to actively do not just learn. So we take people in the accreditation way deeper than the training in both the upskilling they become certified by roommate's organisation, they become a custodian or an identifiable person within their community or their corporate, that people can come to them and say, Hey, I'm not okay. And they're like, you know, you're you become the one of the champions or advocates within your community or company to for that conversation. We have a full community around it weekly coaching calls, you get merchandise to wear to notify people that you're real made stuff to put on your LinkedIn. And that's just like superduper cool. And, again, apply for that if you think that you're someone who wants to be an accredited roommate. The third thing we do is we run circles. So in corporates we've come in and we've run these group programmes where our facilitators come in, and they, they hold space for these groups, a third party neutral, safe space for people to get off their chest the way that they're feeling. And that has got amazing results. This this group sharing circles programme we've launched and that that will be available to individuals as well through our website, and I don't know if it's a fourth programme with all the the glue that holds these three work streams together is our digital hub. And this is a dead set game changer. We're creating a digital hub where people can come on, It'll soon be an app, and you can match with someone based on your lived experience. So we believe that people don't need a cure, they just need connection a lot of the time and they want to be heard and understood not given advice. And a ns and a peer, a regular person with the right accreditation, can can give that. And so these accredited roommates can actually jump onto our hub. And they can host one to one or group sessions, which means a help so you can come on and they can say I want to talk to a female who's 30 years old who's been through postnatal depression and speak Spanish. And I want to see who's available that meets that criteria next Tuesday at 3pm. And we'll split you up all the roommate mates accredited roommates that meet that criteria. This digital hub is a game changer. And it's taken me the last couple years to get all those programmes ready. As I said, we've been running them in the corporate space now for about 12 months and it's been going so great. And now we're just getting everything finalised to launch that in the consumer space. So yeah, stay fucking tuned, man. Yeah, I'm so pumped for this to come out. And I appreciate all your everyone's support and getting us to this point. What else has been happening in my life, I'm launching another business called calm water. It is nutrient sachets full of vitamins and minerals that are proven to help relieve reduced anxiety. And we're making these sachets for people to put in drinking water to calm them down. And I've we're into the final stages of research and development getting the recipe right we're getting finalising the branding. And I'm super pumped about this because it's actually something again, everything I do is just things that I've wanted to help me cope. And I'm like if there's if there's a gap in the market, I want to fill it and calm water to me is I've taken bits and pieces my whole life. And this is everything that I've been taking or wanted in one. One sachet that I'm putting into an existing habit that I already have, which is which is drinking water. And I think for a lot of people holding a water bottle is almost like a safety blanket. And we do it in times of stress and nerves. It's like the prop that we hang on to for safety and so we're only enhancing that props ability to give a self emotional regulation benefit. We using ingredients that a proven to reduce stress, we think about it like the opposite of Red Bull. So if you're going to the supermarket or the grocery store and the chemist or if you're on your way out and you grab a sachet and put it into your car, it's what you go to get and hold when you're trying to get the opposite effect of Red Bull when you're trying to cut your wings off. So you drink it maybe after before or after a big presentation or after an exam or after a long day, or proactively at the in the morning, before you're getting into a really busy event. So it just helps you stay in control. It doesn't make you sleepy, it helps you just feel grounded and present. And yeah, I'm pumped about that. So I got heart on my sleeve, gone, I got calm water, I got real mates, I got my own brand as Mitch, this podcast, the book that I'm working on, I'm doing consulting, I do speaking, I've been doing keynotes every second day at the moment to large companies talking about how to deal with the ambiguity of COVID and sharing my story. So lots and lots going on. And if you're a filler listener, and you support me at all, you will know that I recently had a breakdown because I took too much on. So thank you, if any of you are saying Dude, you're running hot Look out, I know I'm keeping an eye on that I'm doing tonnes of self care, lots of sleep, like I'm really really looking after myself because it is such a busy period. So don't worry, and I will keep you all honest and myself accountable by posting how I feel along this journey. But so far, I am definitely feeling okay. Bit more stress than usual, but feeling good. Another thing that's contributed to my stress recently, but is ultimately a good endeavour is I've been trying to get on top of my stomach health. And I've become more and more invested in the research around the gut brain connection and your microbiome. And so I got diagnosed with SIBO small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. Not long ago, I've had stomach issues my entire life because of anxiety and a whole bunch of other stuff. And, um, this was a big revelation. And it basically presents as IBS, irritable bowel syndrome. And so went six weeks on the keto diet, and I cut out all carbs and all sugar in order to starve the bacteria. And then I just did a two week course of antibiotics. So I was taking seven antibiotics a day. How am I feeling now I'm feeling okay. I wouldn't say I feel that different. I don't want to comment too much on its effectiveness. so far. I want to wait a few months and get my blood test back and look at how this is actually working. But food diet supplements and stuff like that I do want to bring more and more into this podcast in my books, I'm going to keep you updated. But some principles that I've taken out of this, I do want to cut down the amount of carbohydrates I eat per day just because it's not great. I don't think for your brain function and particularly complex and starchy carbs. So I think simple carbs are good for you definitely want to cut out all processed sugar. Sugar is the devil because it creates inflammation and inflammation definitely leads to either causing or aggravating mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. So check out I quit sugar by Sarah Wilson as well. If you want to know more about that I do moving forward want to increase my good fats. So being on keto showed me that things like the avocados and macadamia nuts, all those things are great. I want to stay dairy free. I want to stay gluten free. I want to drink more water. So there's just a bunch of things that even though I might not stay fully keto, and I just did that for medical reasons to starve this bacteria, there are principles of that, that I'm going to bring into my diet and I want to find like, what is the most optimal mental health diet you can possibly eat? That's almost an impossible question to answer, and is near on an oxymoron because I truly believe that nutrition and diet is very individual. So there's no one size fits all for this stuff. But there's gonna be some underlying principles that are true for almost everyone. And that is what I'm in search of. So watch this space for more commentary around that. So yeah, other than that, working heaps still living at home with my family saving tonnes of money. I'm probably going to buy a place soon, but riding the second wave of COVID out before I Go back and live in my little bachelor pad in bond die that I'll find another place to rent again, there are your locks pretty good, pretty good. Nothing too much to report on. Other than everything. So getting into our first segment five tips to understanding. And so today's about five tips to understanding how to get and accurately get professional help. So five tips to understanding how to find professional help. And first of all, why now I've had a lot of people DM me asking how do I find a psychologist like I have worked up the courage and I want to go and get someone who can truly help me. And I want to first ground in that is great. It's a really good idea. I'm a massive fan of professional therapy. Why? Because I think we should look at psychologists and counsellors like personal trainers, we can probably go to the gym and do a lot of it ourselves. But we need someone to make sure we're doing it technically well that we're progressing at the right rate. And sometimes we just can't lift the weight on our own. And we can't get bigger and stronger without a spotter. And in some cases, it's actually dangerous to do some workouts without someone who knows what they're doing. So I'm a huge fan of professional help. Is it the only lever that you can pull? Absolutely not. I think p2p help is sometimes just as good, but for a different reason. And they're not mutually exclusive. Some of the barriers that prevent people from getting professional help things like time, so I'm too busy. I don't have the time to go and see a therapist or at very least look for one. For people who are thinking that I would say why aren't you prioritising the number one thing in your life, which is the mind. Because if you're too busy and you're putting other things before it, none of them will have any meaningful quality and you won't derive any happiness or joy from them if your mind's not in a good place. So it's like, whatever you're sacrificing for this because you're too busy. Won't be won't be enjoyed or worth it anyway. So I don't take busy I get Yes, there's a lot going on. And the last thing you want to do when you're busy is carve out time to go and feel shit in front of someone. I get that, but it is so worth it. And it's all a matter of prioritisation. Okay, so never let busy be an excuse for not getting a professional therapy. Second reason is money. So I think it is fair enough that we not always can afford to go to professional therapy as much as we'd like. But it's not as black and white as going four times a week, every day this, you know, every week this year, or I'm not going to therapy because I can't afford it. You know, in Australia, we have the mental health plan that subsidises 10 sessions a year, if you go through your GP and so I think there are ways to help give you relief. Financially, if it's not the right thing, if it's harder to get for you. Again, it's probably not that you don't have the money, it's that you're not prioritising it enough. We can all find the, the money that we need, eventually when it comes to things that we care about. It also you don't always need to go and see, you know, the world's best clinical psychologist, there's a lot of psychotherapists or counsellors out there that do amazing work and they charge a lot less. So I'm not coming from this ivory tower here where I'm like, you know, everyone should have the money for this I get we're doing we're doing a lot worse off. Particularly during COVID there's a lot of financial insecurity, but it's around prioritisation. Plus, there's a whole bunch of free stuff out there that you can get access to and including if you work for an employer, your EAP programme will be free to Employee Assistance programme. Another reason why people don't get professional help is because they feel awkward. They think that I don't want to go and talk about my emotions in front of some stranger. Get it totally get it particularly blokes who are like, Oh, that is not something I want to plan to do on a Tuesday afternoon to be like, Hey, here's all the shit that I've been bottling up for ages like that is super uncomfortable. But it's not in front of the right person. That's right. That's why fit is so key. So I understand why people In theory feel awkward, but you don't need to, if you get the right person, and honestly, some of it is putting on your big boy or big girl pants and being like, I might feel awkward, but this is worth it. If even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the people around you. I'm willing to go through some awkwardness in order to take steps forward in my life. And I always use the analogy of like the broken, dislocated shoulder, where if you have a dislocated shoulder, the last thing you want to do is go through the pain of putting that thing back in place, I get that. But it's so much better than trying to grab the groceries. If you're watching the video podcast, it's me using my t rex arm trying to grab the coco pops from the top shelf. Because that's what we do, we get really creative at adapting instead of just going and healing properly for the long term benefits of getting our full range of motion back. So a little bit of awkwardness for a lot of pay off. Helicopter in the background, we're all going to get abducted, sorry about that noise. And another reason why people don't go is because of bad previous experiences. So you might have gone and seen a therapist and you went there and you're like, they just didn't do anything, nothing happened. I didn't feel like they understood me whatever else. Right? I went through almost eight psychologists before I found someone I truly clicked with. So some of it is you just got to hang in there and you got to persevere and you got to wear the foot leather out one bad experience doesn't equal, I'm never going to find someone so what's the point? So please hang in there, don't let a bad personal experience detract you from being on this broader journey of finding someone who can really change your life. There are how to start the journey. There's in Australia, at least kind of three ways to start the journey. And it's similar in other countries. I mean, I've lived in the US and it's a little bit different. Because they're more of a direct model. Whereas we're more of a systems model. And I'll talk about that. But essentially, if you're in Australia, here are the three ways that you will start the journey to finding professional help. The first is you go to your GP, your general practitioner, they're like the gatekeeper. The benefits of going to your GP is a they'll be able to help you find a shortlist of people who might be a good fit for you. Because they have the connections I know that industry etc, etc. The other reason why going to a JP first is good is because you can if you get them to assess you, and they deem you as suffering from anxiety or depression or otherwise, which I mean, I'm not even going to start talking about why that there's no shame associated with that we all go through hard times. If If you meet that criteria, then they can write up what's called the mental health plan in Australia where they get you get tense sessions subsidised, they don't necessarily say free but heavily subsidised. So then you get that benefit of subsidy. The downside is not everyone wants to go and talk to their doctor first. The GP can be a really bumpy experience because they've just seen someone who has herpes and other person who was pregnant, another person who has a sore knees. So when you come in being like a you know, trying to, you know, very gently talk about some really hard stuff, they come in quite heavy handed. And that might set you back and make you think, oh, I've done the wrong thing. And they totally thought I was crazy just then. No, that's just GPS, I don't mean to, to cast a broad brush there, and nor am I judging that they're doing that job. And I would act the exact same way if that's the multitude of experiences I was having every day, but I'm just saying don't take it personally. They just might not have the level of softness and gentleness you're looking for. So what you can do is just go directly to a psychologist. That's another way to do it. So not go through a GP. Go to a psychologist or go to a counsellor that you find online through a search engine, a couple that I really recommend in Australia one's called my radiant another is called listen LY s n to great matching and for Listen, that's actually a full clinic so you can meet people on that platform to not just match with them. And for our international listeners, better help is a really good resource for matching with licenced clinicians. Yeah, and so you can go to them directly without necessarily having to go through your GP and pros and cons pros being no middleman cons being no subsidy. Another pro might be they have a really intelligent matching services, etc. So you got to work out what's best for you. The other way is to Get a referral from a friend. So ask friends and family, hey, do you know anyone good. And then take that referral and go approach them, either through your GP or straight to them as a person, but you find them through word of mouth. Often people ask me, hey, do you know a good psychologist? And I'll refer someone who I've personally been to? Yeah, so. So if someone comes to you and says, I want to speak to someone, first thing we need to work out is why. And often they will get to their why, which is I want to get better. And I've made that decision, that courageous decision. Great. So how well you can go to your GP, you can go direct and use services to find them. Or you can ask a friend or family for advice or a recommendation. Okay? So once that happens, here are the real five tips to understanding if you have got a good professional fit with a therapist or a psychologist. Number one, chemistry. So chemistry is everything, you need to ask yourself, do I feel safe enough to talk about how I really feel around this person? Nothing else matters. Unless that the answer to that question is yes, they could have all the degrees on the wall, that could be come highly recommended from a friend or family member. Whatever it is, they might be the best person in that particular field. But unless you feel safe, nothing will get done. Because you won't be able to get to the core wound that needs to be healed. You'll just continually barrier that up. So you know, if someone says, How do I know I'm with the right person? Or what's the right fit? I always just say, do you feel safe? Do you feel comfortable? Can you truly open up and get to the hard stuff? The answer is yes. Then you're on to a 90% fit match. And what you know why that is important is because they've done studies on psychotherapy, and like, why does psychology work. And for the most part, and this isn't saying like broad brush every single time, but for the most part, therapy works because of the quality of the relationship formed with between patient and clinician, not because of the intervention used. So it didn't matter or what won't matter whether you do Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, or what intervention type is used. It matters more around how good the connection is between the two people. So it's the Alliance, it's the actual relationship and sense of safety and understanding to get someone better, not necessarily the subject matter expertise in which you use to get there. That is why connection is so key, safety, trust, understanding those of the qualities we look for in fit in psychologist matching more than anything else. So are you chemically compatible? should be the number one question you asked yourself time and time again. And that make tight take time to figure out, you know, you might not know that at the end of the first session or third session, you know, you should give every person at least three sessions before you go, is this actually a good fit. And often that will that will come with time just like any good relationship, you won't know that for a while. And for me, what really allowed me to know that I was when I finally found that that good match was I knew that I was walking into a absolute bombshell. As you know, I was walking into like emotional Armageddon every time, I was going to have a therapy appointment, but I looked forward to that. So in an in an in a situation where I would usually be like, I don't even want to go anywhere near that. I looked forward to it because I was like, she's, she's gonna be one of the only people I know that can hold me in a way that I need to be held through that. So if you're looking forward to seeing your psychologist, even if you're gonna get into the hard, nitty gritty stuff, that's a really good sign because you're like, if I'm going to go there, it's going to be with you. And something my therapist said to me was, Mitch, I'm going to hold you afloat until you can swim on your own. And that sentence summarises a lot for me. It was trust. It wasn't an abandonment. It wasn't being overinvolved. She wasn't trying to do it for me. I still had to do all the work, but it was that it was that patient, nurturing arm almost like floaties that I just so needed to hear and when she said that, I was like All right, this is the right person to be doing this work. I'm going to hold you afloat until you can swim on your own. And those words have stuck with me for so long. So chemistry, safety, compatibility, alright, so five tips understanding whether you've got the right professional fit and how to and how to find that. Number one, chemistry compatibility. Number two, speciality. So if you're going through an eating disorder, for example, it's worthwhile finding someone who has experience in eating disorders. If you think about other dimensions of medicine, so say for example, physical health, you've got someone who works in oncology in oncology, which is just for cancer treatment, you've got someone who's an orthopaedic doctor who just looks at joints in you know, feet and knees, etc, you've got an ear, nose and throat surgeon. So we literally divide up the physical body into tiny parts, and the doctor is a doctor of that part. When it comes to psychology, we don't do that we look at the brain or the mind as a whole thing. Where I personally don't believe that's the right way to go. I think that you should specialise in anxiety or depression or PTSD, which a lot of people do, but because psychologists are quite General, and and that's okay, because there are underlying principles that that tie the mind together. But the downside of that is that you don't fully get to understand a certain subject matter expertise. And I think sometimes psychologists want more clientele. So they say that they can do more things when it might not be their area of expertise. So this doesn't counter act or. And it's not counterintuitive to my previous point, which is safety and compatibility is more important. speciality. I totally agree, I backed that. But they're not mutually exclusive. You can have safety awesome, this guy gets me or this girl gets me and then you can filter that with, are they also really good in this field. So for example, I spent my entire life trying to find on the rare occasions that I actually did want to see professionals because I've had an aversion to them since I was seven because it was I had a really bad experience. On the occasions that I would try and find a professional, I would search for an anxiety specialist. Because that's what I thought that I had. Because I refuse to believe that I was crazy in inverted commas, and had anything more. Now the moment that I shifted that and looked at someone who specialised in depersonalization, and dissociation and trauma, that's when I started to get somewhere. So that speciality shift was a big thing for me. And it took a lot of ego to be like, No, I just have anxiety to be like, No, actually, maybe I have something more going on that took 20 years to swallow that and accept that. And when I did, and as hard as that was, it was the most important decision in my professional help journey that I've ever made. That actually sparked a thought I want to tell you a story around how I found that person who I ended up clicking with, because it was through a drain, which is super weird, but I'll get back to that. So number two tips to understanding professional help is look at their speciality. Try and find someone who has experience in your specific diagnosis. If you don't have a diagnosis yet, I encourage people to get diagnosis, because I think it helps get focused on it's just kind of like a puzzle piece and makes things make more sense. And you can get more guided and intentional around how you approach your healing. But even if you don't have a diagnosis, or even if you don't feel like you want one that's okay, go towards someone who has experience in your situation, or at least the emotion that you're going through. Also, the last point on speciality is and again, this is my personal opinion. So you should do what's right for you. But my personal opinion is people who have not just a speciality in a certain diagnosis or experience, but people who use mindful approaches. So someone who uses mindfulness in both the way that they talk to you and the way that they treat you, I think is super really, really effective. I like psychologists or counsellors who have an attachment background. I think a lot of trauma and suffering and mental illness comes from parental figure breakdowns or at least close relationship breakdowns from childhood. So I think people who have experienced in attachment psychology super important people who also use a trauma informed approach because I think a lot of suffering comes from unhealed trauma are very, very important. psychologists who are open to working in partnership within a team so if if they are open to talking to both your GP and Or your psychiatrist, if you have one to say that you feel like there is a group of people who are all on the same page with both medication and therapy and blah, blah, blah. So I think it's great when they're open to doing that. Someone who, who, who welcomes conflict, you know, so if there's a breakdown in the relationship between you and the therapist like you, you're like, hmm, you just charged me too much, or that timing went over, or I don't feel like you understood me Just then, if a psychologist handles conflict, that interpersonal conflict, well, that's actually part of the therapy, you might think that it's outside the therapy, it's hugely part of it. Because what that relationship is bringing up between you is actually reflecting things that need to be healed inside you. And if the therapist leans into that, and he's good at resolving conflict and hold space for your concerns, but then holds their own boundaries, and tries to create a healthy dialogue, the way that they manage conflict will tell you a lot about the way that they do their therapy. So that's another point or like, just like a sub point under speciality. I like people who approach who kind of on that mindful lens, I'm a big fan of acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I think when you use acceptance and Commitment Therapy, along with cognitive behavioural therapy, it really helps. Because I don't think you can change your mindset until you accept the current one. So psychologists who use if ever, you're doing anxiety work, and you're going through exposure, or you're looking at some hard stuff, if a therapist is coming in with an acceptance lens, even a Buddhist lens, because they're like hyper exception, I find that really, really good because it dissolves the shame and it dissolves the barrier and the ego that's getting you in the way of actually moving through an old story into a new one. Now, some of that what I just said might sound like complete technical jargon and rubbish. That's okay. Roll it up into a little bowl, put it in the bin. Don't worry, all you need to take out from that is number one. compatibilities everything. Number two, try if you can to look, do they specialise in the exact thing that you're going through? Number Three practicality. So is it practical for you to go and see them on an ongoing basis? I location? Are they new? Or do they offer telehealth through video conferencing or phone calls or whatever? So can I make this sustainable? Also, you know, if you're a working professional, and you know that you can only meet at lunchtime on a Tuesday? Do they have those types of appointments available because they might be the best fit in the world and you might feel safe and they might be specialists but unless you can actually go see them? Then there's no point and kind of affordability is the fourth thing. The fourth tip that understanding professional fit. So outside of practicality, there's affordability. Can you see them ongoing? What rates do they offer, you might be willing to dish out a bit more because it's the right fit. And that's something that I've done previously. I'm like, No, this is the right fit, I'm willing to invest in it. And really along this affordability track, I want you to look at it like an investment. Like you are buying an asset like you're buying a financial stock or a piece of property your brain is your biggest financial asset emotional assets, social asset. Look at that affordability as an investment. It will pay future ROI. Don't look at it as an expense. Yeah. So so we got chemistry, specialty, practicality, affordability, and the last one is format. So do you want to do weekly drop in visits to a psychologist office or should you go into what's called an outpatient programme so I did an outpatient programme which was an intensive two week long programme for my OCD which I needed. dropping in and having therapy from time to time wasn't enough. I wasn't. I wasn't in and I was just on the borderline of needing inpatient treatment, which is where I needed to be admitted to a mental health hospital. I was so so so close to that, which is another type of format that you might need, you might need some inpatient help and that's okay. Check out my podcast with Ruby Wax, who's a professional comedian on the heart of my sleep podcast where she tells her story. She's a very famous person and her the hospital. Her mental health Ward is actually her safe place. It's a happiest place in the world. She's like, this is my people. This is my tribe. You know, when she got she got awarded a medal by the queen and she got she did the ceremony at her mental health Ward because she wanted to feel around her people, amazing, amazing person. So outpatient is between inpatient and weekly or monthly office visits. So have a think about the format around how intensive Do I need this treatment to be and let the GPS and the medical people in your world guide that experience. Now, so the five tips, understanding professional help chemistry speciality, practicality, affordability and format, the things you want to look out for. And as I said before those five things, you want to look at how you get there in the first place. So are you going straight to your GP? Are you? Are you searching online yourself? Or are you getting a referral from a friend? really look at the things that are stopping you from getting professional help, whether it's time money, awkwardness, bad previous experiences. And I think for most people, what gets you through the the doubt and the negativity? And the hard times is having a big why. Come back to your why am I doing this? Because I want to be a better partner or a better dad, am I doing this for myself? Because I believe that I don't have to suffer anymore. And I've seen other people go through what I've been through and thrive with the right help. I deserve to feel better, even though it's hard, I'm going to come back to that, why that I deserve to feel happier. Well, I just want to be 10% better, I just want to, you know, work the biceps out a bit more and just be a bit better. Just like I would have a coach in any other field. I'm going to do this because I want to be 10% better. So come back to your why. Who What are you doing this for? as a function of your y? All right. So that's this week's segment on five tips to understanding getting the right professional help. And I hope that was helpful. If you have any comments, any reflections, any questions, or if you just want to say Hey, what's up, hit the hotline. And I forgot what the hotline number is. Here it is. So plus six one if you're International. If you're local, just Oh, so Oh, 419689311. And if you have any discussions, Questions, comments around the five tips to finding professional help, please let a brother know. All right. What are we doing for time? 47 minutes. If you're still with me, thank you. All right, on to our first complaint segment. That was me doing my drumroll. What I want to complain about this week? Being a good conversationalist. God damn, it is so important. All right. So what I want to complain about this week is don't talk at someone. Like if you're talking and you're like, put a red flag in your head. Have I been speaking more than 50% of this conversation? If so, stop asking a question. That's the first thing. Second thing is if you ask a question, and someone replies, don't then go and automatically talk about yourself and introduce your own story. And just steal the limelight back. Okay. I had this experience last week when? When I was speaking with a friend of mine. And it's so emotionally draining. We're just like, yeah, listen, listen, listen, am I ever going to get a chance to contribute, and then when you do get a chance, they just go on about themselves. conversation is a enormous, I would say the most important skill we have at our disposal as human beings professionally, socially and otherwise be invested in becoming a good conversationalist. And one simple tweak to make that will change your life is balanced out the speaking to listening ratio as even as possible. And if you know don't make everything about you with a story, it's natural to do that. Because we want to be like, Hey, I get it. Let me bond with you. You know, let me talk about my experience. So it comes from a good place. But if you do that too often and too much, then you start to tell that person, I don't care. I'm invalidating you. Let's come back to me. It's an insecurity thing. So instead of talking about yourself, say, oh, tell me more about that or ask you know, awesome things. And this is, again, real mates. Its whole job is to help people get better at this is to help people become the best conversationalist possible. So I won't go too much into it. But I just had that experience last week. And I'm like, Damn, man, I want to help spread this message around how important conversations are, and how impactful it can be when you're permanently talking about yourself. So that's my complaint for this week. That was easy. What am I curious about? I've noticed in myself recently that I've been standing small, so I've always been super insecure around my looks, in particular my height and my weight. I've spoken about this on Instagram posts before I'm a shorter guy. I'm only about a 510 on a good day five on a good day with shoes. So yeah, I've always you know, looked around as a man and saying big strong rugby players or movie stars. You know, men are supposed to be fucking jacked and six two and so I've always felt inferior because That, and it's taken therapy to work through that and, and make peace with that and love myself for who I am. And I know I've noticed the other day, probably six months ago, I'm like, I've never felt sexy. I've felt like, I'm proud of the way I look. And I'm grateful for, you know, my face, whatever. I'm like, Oh, it's nice. Like, I'm grateful for the way I look. But I've never been like, I've walked into a room onto a beach and being like, Damn, girls are just like, Who's that guy, because I've never really had the body or the hype for it. And that is a shame, because I think everyone should feel sexy. And I've been working on that myself. And I'm starting to feel more sexy inside my own skin. Part of the reason I'm working on my stomach stuff is because I want not only for my mental health chemistry to be good. But I want to feel like I can do the training that I want to do. And my stomach's been holding me back from that. But regardless, I have a big personality. And I'm very passionate. But when I stand around people who are getting vulnerable, I've noticed myself standing small, all like, oh, I'll make my body small, because I don't want to feel like I'm encroaching on them or putting them down. And I never knew I was doing this until I looked at my body language. And so what I what I'm curious about is when I do that, and if it's the right time, so for my current kind of thoughts on it is, I think standing small is okay, when you want to give someone space to own or grow or shine. So if someone's you know, really down in the dumps, or they have low self worth, and they're talking to you about that, I think it's okay to make yourself small around them so that they feel like they have the acreage to flourish and actually come out of their shell and own that space. So you're almost handing them the space, which is I think, is a really good thing. But I don't ever want to stand small when I want to own the space. And very, I'm not an awkward person. And I'm confident in who I am. So I don't think I do this often. But occasionally I do, where I will shrink a bit when I want to grow. And so I've been curious around if I'm ever shrinking, not not being apologetic for that standing bride, owning my shit, being confident. And and yeah, and and holding myself in a way that is proud, standing proud. And so I've just been curious around the way I've been holding myself. Another part of this curiosity segment I want to talk about today. And I want to do it with sensitivity. And I want to do it with a trigger warning, if you've ever had an eating disorder, particularly as it relates relates to dance. I just want to say that I'm about to talk about that. So if you need to take a break or press pause, please do so on the podcast. I've been curious, because in my life, and particularly recently, multiple people, like a lot of people who I've noticed who have had eating disorders seem to have a high correlation with a dance background, particularly ballet from a young age. Now, I'm not saying it's causation. I'm just saying there's a high correlation between young ballet girls, and a teenager young adult eating disorder. I said this is a curiosity segment. That's all I'm just curious about it. Another thing I'm curious about is I keep hearing stories of those two things mixed in with one, at least one hyper strict or controlling parent, a hyper rigid parent, often the mum over the girl. So what I'm seeing is a correlation between an eating disorder, ballet as a young kid, and usually fairly competitive ballet and a strict or rigid parent. Now this and I want to be super clear. This is not one person. I am talking I've heard dozens of people with this story enough that it was became a trend and I wanted to be curious around it and and hear from people what you think we can do. You know, hit the hotline on the next episode. I want to hear what you think we can do about getting more understanding around that. Do you think that's true? Or am I completely off base here? But I'm curious about it and something I've noticed and I was like, I wonder if there's actually something here or not. So that's my drop of curiosity for today. Alright, let's get on to the cool segment. What I've what I'm finding cool at the moment is L theanine. It is a supplement that's used to help promote calm, it may or may not be an ingredient in calm water, don't steal my IP. Thank you very much. But what I have found is that when you use the name in conjunction with caffeine, it can really help take off the jitteriness of caffeine. Now I'm someone I couldn't drink caffeine for a very long time most of my life because it made me super anxious. I've just done I'm using caffeine as something that is now a massive part of my day. I love it that my morning coffee is one of the things I look forward to most. And what has enabled me to do that is with the help of L theanine, so I usually take 200 milligrammes, so it's recommended usually seek medical advice, by the way, but it's usually recommended to take two to one ratio. So if you take 100 milligrammes of coffee, you should take 200 milligrammes of L theanine, etc, but I don't necessarily take in that ratio, I find that if I have 200 milligrammes per day in 100, milligramme capsules, and I usually have one coffee a day, that seems to be pretty good for me to balance it out. The research actually also shows that not only is it good at taking off the jittery edge of potential caffeine here, it actually gives you more focus. So people who aren't prone to anxiety while drinking caffeine can still get a benefit of it, which is hyper focus when you put l theanine and caffeine together. So there's a little buyer hack. I love buyer hacks that I'm finding super cool at the moment. And I hope that little thing helps do some research by some l theanine I herb is a great website to get your supplements from. Otherwise, wait for calm water to come out and you'll have all the training you need to calm you down. where we're at an hour, so I'm going to do a q&a section episode as a standalone episode. So I won't bolted onto the end of this one. I hope you've got something out of today. Hit us up on the hotline. I want to hear your thoughts on some things What are future segments you want to hear from on the five tips understanding what are your thoughts and reflections on my complaint on my curiosity and on my what's cool please subscribe rate and review the podcast please do that it helps a tongue particularly actually all them do subscribing rating and reviewing really helped take two seconds that would be a massive help send it to a friend that would also be cool. Share this episode to a friend that you think might need to hear how to find professional help, or anything else that we've discussed in this podcast. Follow me on social media at Mitch Wallis mitc H dot Wallis w A Ll is I do daily tips on managing your mental health on Instagram. What other things can I plug hot on my sleeve.org sign up for real mates? And yeah, have a good week. I look forward to sharing some future episodes with you. Lots of love. You got this. If you're going through a hard time you're not alone. Remember, one day at a time, one step at a time. We're all on the journey.